I’M NOT THE THREAT MARCUS F / TCG MUSIC [INTRO — GUITAR RIFF] 🎶 T-C-G Muuusic… 🎶 [RIFF] [VOICE] Commander? [LEAD] Yeah. [VOICE] Casual? [LEAD] … Yeah. [RIFF SLAMS IN] [VERSE 1] Four at the table! Shuffle up! Everybody smiling— GOOD LUCK! Turn one land. Pass it around. Nobody worried… Nobody making a sound. Turn two— Ramp. Turn three— Commander. Why everybody looking over here?! Relax! I’m just building my board! [PLAYER 2] You got twelve creatures. [LEAD] … And? [PRE-CHORUS] Now three sets of eyes looking straight at me! I know what y’all thinking— BUT IT AIN’T WHAT IT SEEMS! [CHORUS] I’M! NOT! THE! THREAT! WHY YOU LOOKING OVER HERE?! HE GOT MANA OPEN— THAT’S THE ONE THAT Y’ALL SHOULD FEAR! I’M! NOT! THE! THREAT! LET ME BUILD MY BOARD! WHY YOU SWINGING AT ME?! I AIN’T DONE NOTHING TO Y’ALL! [RIFF] NOT THE THREAT! [GROUP] HE’S THE THREAT! [LEAD] MAN, STOP! [VERSE 2] Okay— Maybe I got twenty creatures. Maybe they got counters. Maybe when one of ’em dies I make three more after. THAT DON’T MEAN NOTHING! Look across the table! Blue player got seven cards and all his mana available! WHY AIN’T NOBODY ASKING HIM QUESTIONS?! [BLUE PLAYER] I’m just holding lands. [LEAD] YOU A LIAR! [RIFF] Now somebody reaching for removal— Hold up! What you targeting?! [PLAYER 3] Your commander. [MUSIC STOPS] [LEAD] BRO! WHY ME?! [PLAYER 3] You have thirty-eight creatures. [LEAD] … That don’t mean nothing. [CHORUS] I’M! NOT! THE! THREAT! WHY YOU LOOKING OVER HERE?! HE AIN’T DONE NOTHING FOR SIX TURNS— THAT’S THE DUDE THAT Y’ALL SHOULD FEAR! I’M! NOT! THE! THREAT! WHY YOU KILL MY BOARD?! EVERY TIME I GET A LITTLE SOMETHING— Y’ALL DECLARE WAR! [BREAKDOWN — COMMANDER POLITICS] [LEAD] Okay. Listen. Don’t attack me… I won’t attack you. [PLAYER 2] For how long? [LEAD] … We don’t need to get into all that. [RIFF] [PLAYER 3] What happens if we leave you alone? [LEAD] Nothing! [PLAYER 3] Nothing? [LEAD] … Nothing immediately. [GROUP] NAHHHHHH! [HEAVY RIFF] [VERSE 3] NOW HOLD UP! Why everybody teaming?! Three-on-one for absolutely NO REASON! Board wipe?! COME ON! I spent six turns building all that! [PLAYER 2] Exactly. [LEAD] THAT’S NOT THE POINT! Commander back out— Now the tax getting crazy! Still got a plan— Y’ALL NOT GONNA BREAK ME! Draw for turn… Oh. [PAUSE] [LEAD, QUIETER] Ohhhh… [PLAYER 3] What’d you draw? [LEAD] Nothing. [PLAYER 3] Why you smiling? [LEAD] … No reason. [BUILD] Land for turn. Tap these. Sacrifice that. Trigger this. Bring those back. [PLAYER 2] Wait. What are you doing? [LEAD] Nothing. [PLAYER 3] Hold on— [LEAD] NOTHING! [PLAYER 2] DOES THAT GO INFINITE?! [MUSIC STOPS] [LEAD] … Define infinite. [FINAL CHORUS — HUGE] [GROUP] HE! IS! THE! THREAT! [LEAD] I’M! NOT! THE! THREAT! [GROUP] HE! IS! THE! THREAT! [LEAD] WHY Y’ALL HATING ON ME?! [GROUP] HE! IS! THE! THREAT! [LEAD] SHOULD’VE WATCHED THE BLUE PLAYER! [BLUE PLAYER] Don’t bring me into this. [LEAD] YOU BEEN SITTING THERE WITH MANA OPEN THE WHOLE GAME! [GROUP] HE! IS! THE! THREAT! [LEAD] I’M NOT THE— [PLAYER 2] You win? [LEAD] … Yeah. [MUSIC STOPS] [PLAYER 3] So you were the threat. [LONG PAUSE] [LEAD] … That’s not the point. [OUTRO RIFF] 🎶 T-C-G Muuusic… 🎶 Different cards. Same culture.
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