I sought a girl of charm and grace, With golden curls and a lovely face. A waspish waist, an hourglass shape, The sort of girl who makes men stray. Her résumé was quite a sight, Her photographs were dynamite. I thought, At last, my troubles cease! A pretty girl to sell the sleight of hand with ease! For magic's half illusion, half disguise, You keep them looking at her thighs. While I palm the coin or hide the dove, The crowd sits swooning, quite in love! But three weeks in, I'm forced to say, She's made a fine mess of my trade. ### \[Chorus\] She's a beauty, she's a darling, she's a walking calamity! A blonde bombshell of baffling incompetency! She looks like Venus, works like doom, And leaves disaster in every room! I ought to sack her, send her packing, Stop the endless props and knickknacks breaking! But then she smiles, and what can I do? My magic's gone, but my heart's gone too! ### \[Verse 2\] My rainbow scarves were linked with flair, A ribboned marvel floating in the air. She tossed them in the wash one day— The colors ran completely away! Now all I've got's one scarf of white, A bridal trick for Saturday night. It's lovely, yes, for vows and veils, But hardly sets the circus trails ablaze! Then came the doves, my feathered pride, She opened every cage up wide. "They looked so cramped," she said to me, "And birds are supposed to fly free!" They fluttered up and claimed the beams, And pooped all over my grand schemes. The theater shut for three whole days, While animal control tried different ways. Two cleaning crews came twice a day, To scrub the droppings all away. The final bird was caught at last— My reputation? Long since passed! ### \[Chorus\] She's a beauty, she's a darling, she's a walking calamity! A blonde bombshell of baffling incompetency! She looks like Venus, works like doom, And leaves disaster in every room! I ought to sack her, send her packing, Stop the endless props and knickknacks breaking! But then she smiles, and what can I do? My magic's gone, but my heart's gone too! ### \[Verse 3\] She loaded my great cannon wrong, And sent my trousers flying through the throng! She mixed the cards, misplaced the key, And locked me in the trunk while I had to pee! She fed the rabbit half a cake, Then wondered why it wouldn't wake. She pulled the cloth from my grand display— And sent twelve china plates away! My floating table hit the floor, My magic mirror's cracked once more. She accidentally sat on my hat, And now the rabbit's permanently flat— No, not the rabbit! Just the hat! Oh, what's the use of explaining that? ### \[Bridge — Piano and upright bass; the magician softens despite himself\] But when the house lights fade to black, She waits for me and helps me pack. She brings me tea, she pats my sleeve, And tells me I'm the best she's seen. Her eyes are bright, her heart is kind, Though common sense is hard to find. I've tried to fire her half a year— Then she says, "Oh, are you cross, my dear?" And suddenly, my rage takes flight. She's hired again by curtain time. Then came a rising star one day, A rival with two tigers on display. He promised her a brighter stage, A bigger crowd, a higher wage. She packed her things, kissed my cheek, And left before the end of the week. I waved goodbye, composed and grand, Then broke a wand in either hand! At last, I thought, some peace at night! No doves escaping, no scarves gone white! No missing keys, no broken props, No blonde catastrophe to make me stop! Two weeks later, I read the news, And nearly spilled my morning brew. The headline screamed in ink so black: MAGICIAN MAULED — TIGER ATTACK! His two white tigers, fierce and proud, Had brought his final curtain down. And why, you ask, did fate decree Such a ghastly end to his career? My former girl, with helpful cheer, Had hatched an idea, bright and clear. She thought that she could train the beast To use a litter tray, at least! She brought the pan, she brought the sand, Then tried to guide its paw by hand. The tiger, clearly unimpressed, Expressed its views upon her new employer's chest. He met his end. The papers said A tragic accident had left him dead. I read the page, then sipped my tea. And felt a chill run through me. She's a beauty, she's a darling, she's a walking calamity! A blonde bombshell of baffling incompetency! She looks like Venus, works like doom, And leaves disaster in every room! I ought to sack her, send her packing— Oh, who am I kidding? She's simply enchanting! I'll keep her employed till the end of time... Provided she stays away from the tigers this time! My scarves are white, my doves are gone, My rival's dead, but life goes on....
