(Tempo shifts from a nervous, quiet acoustic strum to an explosive, shouting spoken-word crescendo) (Spoken Intro) Uh, so... I was sitting in my kitchen today. And I opened the fridge, right? And I looked at the shelf where things are supposed to be... And there was just this... void. This gaping, calcium-deficient void. And my heart started beating really fast, and I realized... Oh my god. (Verse 1) We need it. We don't just want it, okay? It’s not a preference, it’s a biological imperative! I look at my roommate, I’m like, "Dude, look at the fridge!" We need MILK. Milk. MILK. We need milk, lots of milk, we need all the milk! He looks at me, he’s like, "papi, we have like, a half a chest of milk in the garage." I’m like, "A half a chest?! A half a chest of milk?!" Naw, man. Naw! Are you out of your mind? Are you seeing the same reality I am? I don’t need a half a chest... I need seven chests of milk! Seven! Stacked on top of each other like a grocery store skyscraper! (Chorus - Shouting, voice breaking slightly) Because I need MILK! Milk! MILK! All of it! Just give it to me! GIMI THE MILK! I don't care where it comes from! Pie milk? Sure! Whatever that is, I’ll drink it! All the milk! The whole milk! All the percents of milk! One percent, two percent, skim—actually, wait, no, skim is just water lying about being milk, but I’ll take it anyway! I NEED MILK! GIMMI ALL THE MILK! (Verse 2 - Music drops out, just a frantic, rhythmic talking) So I drive out to the farm, right? Because the grocery store is too slow. The supply chain is broken, but my desire is whole! And I see my guy Dave. Dave is standing by the livestock. I run up to him, I grab him by the overalls, I’m shaking him! I’m like, "Dave! Look at me! Look into my eyes, Dave!" Milk those cows, Dave! Milk them! Milk them like Dave’s not here, man! Like you’re an imposter in your own body and the only way out is dairy production! Dave is looking at me like I’ve lost my mind, and honestly? Maybe I have! Maybe the lack of vitamin D is making my brain collapse in on itself! But I don't care! Dave, start pulling! Start squeezing! (Chorus - Full band explodes back in, maximum energy) Because I need MILK! Milk! MILK! ALL OF IT! GIMI THE MILK! PIE MILK! ALL THE MILK! THE WHOLE MILK! ALL THE PERCENTS OF MILK! I NEED MILK! GIMMI ALL THE MILK! (Outro - Panting, music slows down to a single, sad guitar strum) Just... please. I just want my cereal to swim. I want my bones to be strong enough to withstand the crushing weight of existence. Seven chests, Dave. Put it on my tab. (Whispered) Give me the milk.
