[Long Intro: Ominous spoken word over doom riff] In the shadow of the seventh moon… When the goat has paid its rent… It rises from the basement… To borrow sugar… and perhaps your soul… [Verse 1] Out of the fog on a Tuesday night, Cloven hooves and eyes of fright. Smells like brimstone, or maybe beans, Wearing a cape from Party City — oh what a scene! [Chorus] The Beast! The Beast! That stands before you now… With a roar and a burp, And a furrowed demon brow… The Beast! The Beast! It wants your snack machine change… But first it’ll curse you With a voice that sounds strangely deranged! [Verse 2] In the forest of eternal gloom, Where wizards vape and witches Zoom, He shuffles forth with an evil plan, A parking ticket in his hand! He chants a spell from an Idiot’s Guide, Trips on his robe and falls inside — He points at you, screams “DOOM IS NIGH!” Then sheepishly asks, “You got Wi-Fi?” [Chorus] The Beast! The Beast! That stands before you now… Smells like wet dog, And he stole your neighbor’s plow. The Beast! The Beast! With garlic breath and a wail — He’s here to bring The End of Days… via email! [Bridge: Slow & heavy] He comes with fury, fangs and fluff… But his parking’s bad and he smells of snuff… He’ll feast on souls…or maybe barbecue to-go… And complain your Wi-Fi’s grossly slow… [Guitar Solo] [Verse 3] Upon his head a crown of soup, His minions follow in a loop. One carries pretzels, another beer, The third just keeps yelling “The beast is here!” He reads your fate from a Magic 8-Ball, Trips again and crashes through your wall. Then with a shriek, he stomps away — But promises he’ll text someday. [Chorus] The Beast! The Beast! That stands before you now… In socks and sandals, With a questionable eyebrow. The Beast! The Beast! From hell or maybe Des Moines — He’s here to collect …your Bitcoin. [Outro] The beast… the beast… Leaves behind his parking receipt… And a coupon for luncheon meat… Beware… beware… ‘Cause you might have to join his mailing list… [Outro] [End Song] [End]
