[applause] [whistles] [breathless, fully-sung] yeah, pour me a whiskey and silence the table i've heard enough talk of the prom look at the tremor that shakes in my fingers and look at the sweat on my palms. i'm back from a journey.... my dark curly hair at age TWENTY.. turned silvery grey. telling a story of such labor and horror orpheus faints dead away yeah i was snatched by a widow who needed a.. MAN. yeah a man to attend to her ancient demands and i labored for days, a bewildered young BOY ... still a boy.. before visiting her netherlands.. you children are splashing in puddles of pleasure and axe-body-spray-scented desire while i have descended the shaft of a mine where even canaries expire i've been indisposed for a three-day katabAsis but i've aged by a thirty-year span, face it.... i went in a boy who was soft like you.... returned fully manly - swear - once she was through.... i was servicing a relic who hadn't been touched since the cold war began to thaw so listen to how i survived in the darkness and treat me with reverence and awe so kneel to the master, the veteran soldier the king of the hazardous screw i've learned more in three days of darkness than you in a lifetime of fucking will do i was holding back curtains of loose, elasticity-challenged and crêpe-paper skin to locate the buried, atrophy-riddled port of entry that time had bricked in i needed a map and a mining concession a priest on retainer to hear my confession i called for a surveyor. nobody came she said, "darling, point it downward and aim" i'm greasing the gears of a machine that has rusted from decades of sheer disuse mixing the lube with the sudden and startling leakage of greyish juice the bottle said, "use a conservative measure" the widow's a liberal. i'm held at her pleasure i emptied the bottle, then opened the spare she said, "there's a gallon of industrial there" i'm a god of the graveyard and king of the abyss and i've read her from cover to cover so bow to the veteran back from the trenches the world's most formidable lover oh yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah i've a callus on fingers from kneading the knots of a sphincter that wouldn't recall how to open. i stood there like reagan in berlin and bellowed, "tear down this wall" i tried every angle, each possible posture then toyed with the thought of ball-bearing imposture the widow looked bored and examined her nails made me double my inches with a STRAP-ON.... on rails i pinned back the flaps of the surplus anatomy clear of the mouth of the gulch and buried my face in the pillow for air but the pillow smelled faintly of mulch.. hmmm then suddenly movement, a tremor, a shiver the miracle happened, the heavens delivered i cried, "she's responding, her pulse has returned" 'twas her damn phone.....!. and i? kept it up, kept it firm oh yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah that's me i'm not just a lover of women; i'm handling hazardous waste with a grin a connoisseur of the rotten, the spoiled and the ignoble rot setting in so go to your girls who are fresh and smell sweetly of flowers and vanilla spray i'll go to the crypt where the body is waiting to slowly and wetly decay and just as i stood there, triumphant, exhausted my youth and my dignity permanently frosted she said, "you're quite sweet, but don't take it so hard the gardener is rather bettuh... and he's eighty-four" oh puhleeze -- -neh, neh neh neh neh i am the guy every widow should hire so respect me cuz i rule and i'm tired.. well, more like .. tired.... of being good. yea yeah so kneel to the master, the veteran soldier the king of the hazardous screw i've learned more in three days with the widow than you in a lifetime of fucking will do .... than you,... in a lifetime.. will .. ever discover.... so bow to the veteran back from the trenches the world's most formidable lover....... aha that's me yeah [applause and audience reactions] [musical grand finale] yeah [applause]
