Verse 1 I was busking by the harbor with a marimba painted gold, Playing funky little melodies despite the rainy cold. Tourists tossed me pocket change and half a sandwich wrapped in foil, While fishermen complained my songs were “musical sea turmoil.” Every note I hammered out went booming through the bay, And deep beneath the water something started swimming my way. The ocean started bubbling like a giant pot of stew, Then a whale the size of seventeen dump trucks suddenly broke through. He had barnacles like shoulder pads and fury in his eye, And a breath so bad the seagulls fainted midair from the sky. The crowd all screamed and scattered while the docks began to shake, But I tightened up my mallets and yelled, “Huge mistake, fish steak!” Pre-Chorus Then he slapped me with his tailfin, Sent me flying through some chowder, But I landed by my marimba And started playing even louder. I raised my rubber mallets Like a rhythm-powered wizard, And the whale let out a roar That rattled every boat and lizard. Chorus WHACKA-TONK, CLACKA-TONK, I played a funky beat, The whale got strangely nervous And gave me a wet and noisy greet. BONKA-BINK, DONKA-DOINK, The whole sea turned to rave, Crabs were breakdancing in circles, Lobsters started making waves. Fightin’ a whale with a marimba Was not part of my career, But apparently sea monsters Hate percussion in the ear. Verse 2 I surfed upon a cooler lid, Still soloing with flair, While the whale spun in confusion Like a blimp possessed by despair. The harbor crowd was screaming, “Play louder! Melt his brain!” Someone threw a plate of seafood That exploded in the rain. So I launched into a jazz fusion Powered by pure panic sweat, I did a seven-minute drum break Though marimbas ain’t got drums yet. The whale got mad embarrassed, He screamed, “Your groove’s illegal!” Then he belly-flopped so hard He accidentally flattened a seagull. Pre-Chorus Then the beast inhaled dramatically, The tides began to churn, I saw boats and floating lawn chairs All abruptly start to turn. He sucked me toward his giant mouth Like socks into a vent, And honestly the whole experience Felt mildly inconvenient. Chorus WHACKA-TONK, CLACKA-TONK, Still playing through the fear, Sliding down a whale esophagus With rhythm in my ears. BONKA-BINK, DONKA-DOINK, The stomach smelled insane, Like expired tuna salad Left abandoned in the rain. Fightin’ a whale with a marimba Now the mission had evolved, Because surviving whale digestion Became the bigger problem solved. Bridge Inside the whale was horrifying, It smelled like rotten peas, There were pirate ships and bicycles And forty-seven skis. A mountain made of garbage bags, A traffic cone on fire, And somehow there was also A soaking wet car tire. I climbed upon a rib bone, Raised my mallets to the sky, And played the most aggressive tune A mammal ever heard in life. BLANGA-CLANGA, RATTA-TATTA, FUNKY THUNDER FROM BELOW, The whale began to panic, Started sneeze-coughing out foam. I played speed polka, Played death metal, Played romantic salsa jams, Played a tune so unbelievably weird It frightened canned hams. Final Chorus WHACKA-TONK, CLACKA-TONK, The stomach shook apart, The whale launched me through the ocean Like a greasy shopping cart. BONKA-BINK, DONKA-DOINK, The sea exploded wide, And I flew out screaming wildly On a wave at sunset tide. Fightin’ a whale with a marimba, I survived against all odds, Now the fish all keep their distance And the dolphins bow and nod. Outro So if life gets rough and scary, And your chances all seem slim, Remember: music calms the savage beast… Unless the beast absolutely hates marimba. WHACKA-TONK. CLACKA-TONK. That whale still fears my jam.
