Part of me still doesn't believe you're dead. You moved to California and you didn't say goodbye. still out there somewhere living your life. Doing whatever you want. You had some kind of plan. Some idea of a tomorrow that could have been. Life was going to be long enough. Shit that will never happen now. Not in this timeline. Of course I listen to Quasi now. When I can't talk to you about it anymore. God fucking dammit I miss you We still might have met up. It seemed like I was so close to seeing you. How long had it been - six months? When we ran into each other getting new glasses. Texting on and off. Figuring I would run into you again at some point one day eventually. The stories that could be told about you a spark of antics factoids jokes ironic neuroses. You let a lot of things just be okay. Your friends loved you even when you fucked them over from time-to-time. You were that kind of person. Loveable infinity. Invincible summer kid. I will always be sad that you're gone. I don't know how long it's going to take to "move on". I don't really care. If someone has a problem with me wishing you were still alive fuck off I have a lot of sadness already. hold the bad memories like stones on my back. Holding me back from being happy. A misery. But as heavy as they are, I feel guilty if I let them go completely. I feel like I'll lose some part of myself. That I already have. Ignoring. Burying. Forgetting. As if these things never happened. As if these people didn't exist. As if this life was never lived. The same thing that kept me from being free with you is what's keeping you alive and with me. Is that morbid? But you're worth remembering. You were here for me when everyone else cut me out. You never said goodbye. And I never want to. If anyone is ever going to love me, they'll just have to love you, and everyone else I carry around inside my memories, whether they realize it or not. "we are the sum total of everyone we have ever known" how could I ever forget? Giving new meaning to the living dead, I guess. It kind of makes sense - You helped make me, so now I have to keep that part of you alive, I want to keep that part of you alive, or else part of me dies, too.
