"Proper sunbaked, innit? Just me, the seagulls, and a bit of 'ush. Or so I thought..." Stretched out on the golden grit Mindin’ my biz, just lovin' it The waves are low, the vibe is sweet Until two geezers take a seat Right in my pocket, bold as brass Thinkin’ they’re invisible, talkin’ out their... mouth I’ve got my shades on, eyes shut tight But I can hear ‘em plannin’ their night. Oh, they’re chirpin’ like birds in a cage Actin’ like stars on a West End stage They don’t know I hear every word The funniest thing I ever heard Yeah, they’re talkin’ big, talkin’ wide With nowhere left for ‘em to hide. "I’d do this," says the skinny one "I’d do that," says his mate for fun Graphic details, ever so crude Thinkin’ they’re being right clever and shrewd They think I’m dazed, lost in the heat So I decide to give ‘em a treat I reach behind, unclip the lace Let’s put a look on every face! Top off. Back straight. Deep breath. I turn around and scare ‘em to death Two sets of eyes like dinner plates Frozen stiff, these two best mates "Oi, lads!" I say, with a wink and a grin "Who’s gonna rub the lotion in?" But nobody moves, nobody stirs The silence is louder than the waves and the purrs They’re glued to the sand, faces turnin’ red Wishin’ they were home in their little beds Staring at the sky, lookin’ quite pained 'Cause their "excitement" can't be contained Can’t stand up, can't walk away The price they pay for the games they play! Look at ‘em blush! Absolute muppets! "What’s the matter, boys? Cat got your tongue? Or is it just your trousers feelin' a bit... snug?" "Wankers."
