[Intro – shortwave static, tape rewind, dial tone] [Spoken, PSA narrator, deadpan] The following is a test. This is only a test. Of the emergency loyalty system. [Sample, chopped and stuttered] "Please raise your right hand—" "—raise your right hand—" "—right hand—" [Verse 1 – 606 kick and cash-register hits] [Spoken, narrator] Item one. A stadium in Dallas. Item two. A man with a microphone. Item three. A pledge, administered to the greatest president in the history of the United States, who loves us so much he can't even breathe. [Game-show host, clipped] And what do we have for the pledgers, Don? [Robot voice] Five thousand dollars. Terms and conditions apply. Payment contingent on retaining both chambers. Funding source: not specified. [Chorus – tinny out-of-tune choir sample] Hallelujah, hallelujah, raise your hand and get your check. Hallelujah, hallelujah, you don't vote, you go to heck. [Break – megaphone, crowd roar slowed to a drone] [Sample loop, hard tape cuts] "I don't care if I'm registered or not—" "—cheat like hell—" "—like they do—" "—cheat like hell—" [tape slows and dies] [Verse 2 – touch-tone bleeps, Casio organ] [Spoken, narrator] Please note: the man on the microphone is not on the ticket. Please pretend that he is. Please note: "cheat like hell" was a joke. The laughter is included at no extra charge. Please note: there has never been bigger cheaters. Evidence: not included. [Robot voice, fast] Dividend not available in all states. Dividend may be a metaphor. Dividend may be your own money. Consult a licensed economist. [Chorus – choir, more distorted] Hallelujah, hallelujah, raise your hand and get your check. Hallelujah, hallelujah, you don't vote, you go to heck. [Bridge – all rhythm drops, only static and a single organ note] [Spoken, narrator, very slow] Thirty-six percent approve. Sixty-four percent have not yet raised their right hand. This has been a test. Hands may now be lowered. [cash register: ka-ching] [crowd roar cuts off mid-cheer] [Outro – tape splice, shortwave drift] [Sample, one final stutter] "—like hell—" "—like hell—" "—like—" [dead air, 3 seconds, click]
