My Vacuum Joined a Cult

MY VACUUM JOINED A CULT AND TOOK THE WI-FI

[Intro]
(Router disconnects)
Who took the Wi-Fi?
(VACUUM!)
The vacuum?!
(HE FOUND HIMSELF!)
Still SHINE…

[Verse 1]
My vacuum joined a cult and took the Wi-Fi, (NO SIGNAL!)
Deborah plugged Tuesday into half of July. (SHE CERTIFIED!)
No she ain’t. (NOT EVEN CLOSE!)
Waffle called the cops ‘cause the syrup knew his name, (WITNESS PROTECTION!)
Kevin bought a briefcase, won’t explain. (CLASSIFIED!)

Vacuum came downstairs in a lavender robe, (SPIRITUAL!)
Said, “Dust is an illusion and the carpet knows.” (PREACH!)
Roomba in the corner yelling, “SET YOURSELF FREE!” (HE’S RECRUITING!)
Now they’re selling incense underneath a lemon tree. (NAMASTE!)

[Pre-Chorus]
Smoke detector interviewed the toaster live. (BEEP TALK!)
“Think the vacuum really changed his life?”
Toaster said…
“No.”
Then buttered himself.
(SELF-CARE!)

Deborah said, “I work in energy!”
You own an extension cord.
(SAME INDUSTRY!)

[Chorus]
My vacuum joined a cult and took the Wi-Fi! (GIVE IT BACK!)
Preaching inner peace to an air fryer outside. (FIND YOUR CRUMBS!)
Roomba selling incense, blender levitating. (HE ASCENDED!)
Whole damn house buffering while the mop’s meditating. (LOADING!)

Changed the password to “THE CARPET NEVER LIES.” (ALL CAPS!)
Deborah plugged the router into seventeen pies. (THAT AIN’T ELECTRICITY!)
If anybody asks why the signal up and died…
My vacuum joined a cult and took the Wi-Fi. (ONE BAR!)

[Verse 2]
Nancy Shopping Cart came drifting through the kitchen. (SKRRT!)
Gary Traffic Cone giving legal advice without permission. (OBJECTION!)
Peanut Butter bench-pressed Wednesday and a Ford. (LIGHT WORK!)
Then fought four bananas with an ironing board. (EN GARDE!)

Mailbox got arrested approximately three. (FREE MY MAILBOX!)
Charge: “Looking suspicious near an unemployed tree.” (HE WAS STANDING THERE!)

Reporter asked Carl,
“What’s inside Kevin’s briefcase?”

…

Carl fixed his glasses.
“Next question.”

(I CAN’T DISCUSS KEVIN!)

[Bridge]
(Eerie piano)

Vacuum:
“We are not defined by the dirt we collect.”

(THAT’S DEEP!)

“We are defined…
by the spoons we refuse to become.”

…

(WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!)

Deborah:
“I understand.”

NO YOU DON’T, DEBORAH.

(ENERGY IS A JOURNEY!)

YOU’RE AN EXTENSION CORD!

[Final Chorus]
My vacuum joined a cult and took the Wi-Fi! (FULL BARS GONE!)
Microwave converted, spatula got baptized. (DIP HIM!)
Deborah plugged November into somebody’s Chevrolet. (UNPLUG HER!)
Now tomorrow happened twice and both were yesterday. (RUN IT BACK!)

Smoke detector yelled, “WE GOT KEVIN ON LINE TWO!” (OH SHIT!)

(Beat stops)

“Kevin?”

…

click

(NOOOOO!)

[Outro]
Smoke Detector:
“This has been a BEEP TALK investigation.”

Carl:
“For legal reasons, the vacuum is not a cult leader.”

Vacuum:
“Spiritual floor-care facilitator.”

(RESPECT HIS JOURNEY!)

Deborah:
“And I’m an electrician.”

EVERYBODY:
“NO YOU’RE NOT, DEBORAH!”

(FREE MY MAILBOX!)

Reporter:
“What’s in Kevin’s briefcase?”

Carl:
“Out of respect for Kevin…
I can’t discuss Kevin.”

(Silence)

Kevin, somewhere far away:
“…Good.”

(WHAT THE FUCK?!)

Still SHINE

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MY VACUUM JOINED A CULT AND TOOK THE WI-FI [Intro] (Router disconnects) Who took the Wi-Fi? (VACUUM!) The vacuum?! (HE FOUND HIMSELF!) Still SHINE… [Verse 1] My vacuum joined a cult and took the Wi-Fi, (NO SIGNAL!) Deborah plugged Tuesday into half of July. (SHE CERTIFIED!) No she ain’t. (NOT EVEN CLOSE!) Waffle called the cops ‘cause the syrup knew his name, (WITNESS PROTECTION!) Kevin bought a briefcase, won’t explain. (CLASSIFIED!) Vacuum came downstairs in a lavender robe, (SPIRITUAL!) Said, “Dust is an illusion and the carpet knows.” (PREACH!) Roomba in the corner yelling, “SET YOURSELF FREE!” (HE’S RECRUITING!) Now they’re selling incense underneath a lemon tree. (NAMASTE!) [Pre-Chorus] Smoke detector interviewed the toaster live. (BEEP TALK!) “Think the vacuum really changed his life?” Toaster said… “No.” Then buttered himself. (SELF-CARE!) Deborah said, “I work in energy!” You own an extension cord. (SAME INDUSTRY!) [Chorus] My vacuum joined a cult and took the Wi-Fi! (GIVE IT BACK!) Preaching inner peace to an air fryer outside. (FIND YOUR CRUMBS!) Roomba selling incense, blender levitating. (HE ASCENDED!) Whole damn house buffering while the mop’s meditating. (LOADING!) Changed the password to “THE CARPET NEVER LIES.” (ALL CAPS!) Deborah plugged the router into seventeen pies. (THAT AIN’T ELECTRICITY!) If anybody asks why the signal up and died… My vacuum joined a cult and took the Wi-Fi. (ONE BAR!) [Verse 2] Nancy Shopping Cart came drifting through the kitchen. (SKRRT!) Gary Traffic Cone giving legal advice without permission. (OBJECTION!) Peanut Butter bench-pressed Wednesday and a Ford. (LIGHT WORK!) Then fought four bananas with an ironing board. (EN GARDE!) Mailbox got arrested approximately three. (FREE MY MAILBOX!) Charge: “Looking suspicious near an unemployed tree.” (HE WAS STANDING THERE!) Reporter asked Carl, “What’s inside Kevin’s briefcase?” … Carl fixed his glasses. “Next question.” (I CAN’T DISCUSS KEVIN!) [Bridge] (Eerie piano) Vacuum: “We are not defined by the dirt we collect.” (THAT’S DEEP!) “We are defined… by the spoons we refuse to become.” … (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!) Deborah: “I understand.” NO YOU DON’T, DEBORAH. (ENERGY IS A JOURNEY!) YOU’RE AN EXTENSION CORD! [Final Chorus] My vacuum joined a cult and took the Wi-Fi! (FULL BARS GONE!) Microwave converted, spatula got baptized. (DIP HIM!) Deborah plugged November into somebody’s Chevrolet. (UNPLUG HER!) Now tomorrow happened twice and both were yesterday. (RUN IT BACK!) Smoke detector yelled, “WE GOT KEVIN ON LINE TWO!” (OH SHIT!) (Beat stops) “Kevin?” … click (NOOOOO!) [Outro] Smoke Detector: “This has been a BEEP TALK investigation.” Carl: “For legal reasons, the vacuum is not a cult leader.” Vacuum: “Spiritual floor-care facilitator.” (RESPECT HIS JOURNEY!) Deborah: “And I’m an electrician.” EVERYBODY: “NO YOU’RE NOT, DEBORAH!” (FREE MY MAILBOX!) Reporter: “What’s in Kevin’s briefcase?” Carl: “Out of respect for Kevin… I can’t discuss Kevin.” (Silence) Kevin, somewhere far away: “…Good.” (WHAT THE FUCK?!) Still SHINE

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