I Still Choose Heaven

indie pop, ethereal, jazz, dreamy, electric guitar, blues, trap, soul, house, saxophone

V5.5

I wore Sunday clothes over a terrified heart,
Sang about a God who could heal what was falling apart.
Then went home to slammed doors, voices through the walls,
I prayed until my throat hurt—
Did You hear me at all?

[Pre-Chorus]
Because I was just a kid
Trying to find You in the noise,
While grown people praised Your name
And never heard my voice.

[Verse 2]
I remember that retreat, surrounded and alone,
A hundred people praising You
And not one felt like home.
They tore me down for sport
While the faithful looked away,
Then somebody probably told me
I should bow my head and pray.

Fuck, I was praying.
What did they think I did?
I begged You to come find me.
I was just a fucking kid.

Crying underneath the blankets,
Trying not to make a sound,
Wondering how Heaven could be real
When hell was all around.

[Pre-Chorus]
Maybe You were never them.
Maybe that’s what I couldn’t see.
Maybe all their rules and cruelty
Never had a thing to do with Thee.

[Chorus]
So I still choose Heaven.
I still choose You.
But I won’t crawl back through that door
To prove my faith is true.

I don’t need stained glass
To know there’s something more.
I don’t need another sermon
From the people who ignored
The little girl who needed
Someone safe enough to care.
If You’re really God, then find me—
You already know where.

[Bridge — stripped down]
Were You there
When I begged for the fighting to stop?

Were You there
When I thought my family would fall apart?

Were You there
When somebody crossed another line
And I wondered why being “saved”
Didn’t fucking save mine?

Were You there
When I cried in that bed
With Your name inside my head?

Because I called.
God, I called.

And the silence nearly killed my faith.

[Break]
But maybe faith isn’t pretending
That the silence didn’t hurt.

Maybe faith is screaming,
“Where the hell were You?”
And still looking upward.

Maybe You can handle my anger.
Maybe You don’t need me polished.
Maybe You’d rather have my broken truth
Than somebody else’s doctrine.

[Final Chorus]
So I choose Heaven—
But I’ll walk there my own way.
I’ll talk to You beneath the stars
Instead of forcing myself to stay
Inside a place that taught my body
To remember fear as faith.

No.

I’m done confusing trauma
With some holy kind of grace.

I choose the God
Who sits beside me when I’m shaking.
The God who doesn’t shame me
For the questions I am asking.
The God big enough to hear me say,
“You broke my fucking heart.”

And still leave room between us
For a brand-new start.

[Outro]
I don’t choose the church that hurt me.
I don’t choose the hell they made.
I don’t choose fear dressed up as love
Or suffering dressed as faith.

I choose Heaven.

I choose God.

And this time—

I choose Him
without abandoning myself.

2968/7500

[Verse 1] They told me I was saved beneath fluorescent lights, While I learned how to disappear to survive the nights. Boys found pieces of me I didn’t know how to defend, And everybody talked about forgiveness in the end. I wore Sunday clothes over a terrified heart, Sang about a God who could heal what was falling apart. Then went home to slammed doors, voices through the walls, I prayed until my throat hurt— Did You hear me at all? [Pre-Chorus] Because I was just a kid Trying to find You in the noise, While grown people praised Your name And never heard my voice. [Verse 2] I remember that retreat, surrounded and alone, A hundred people praising You And not one felt like home. They tore me down for sport While the faithful looked away, Then somebody probably told me I should bow my head and pray. Fuck, I was praying. What did they think I did? I begged You to come find me. I was just a fucking kid. Crying underneath the blankets, Trying not to make a sound, Wondering how Heaven could be real When hell was all around. [Pre-Chorus] Maybe You were never them. Maybe that’s what I couldn’t see. Maybe all their rules and cruelty Never had a thing to do with Thee. [Chorus] So I still choose Heaven. I still choose You. But I won’t crawl back through that door To prove my faith is true. I don’t need stained glass To know there’s something more. I don’t need another sermon From the people who ignored The little girl who needed Someone safe enough to care. If You’re really God, then find me— You already know where. [Bridge — stripped down] Were You there When I begged for the fighting to stop? Were You there When I thought my family would fall apart? Were You there When somebody crossed another line And I wondered why being “saved” Didn’t fucking save mine? Were You there When I cried in that bed With Your name inside my head? Because I called. God, I called. And the silence nearly killed my faith. [Break] But maybe faith isn’t pretending That the silence didn’t hurt. Maybe faith is screaming, “Where the hell were You?” And still looking upward. Maybe You can handle my anger. Maybe You don’t need me polished. Maybe You’d rather have my broken truth Than somebody else’s doctrine. [Final Chorus] So I choose Heaven— But I’ll walk there my own way. I’ll talk to You beneath the stars Instead of forcing myself to stay Inside a place that taught my body To remember fear as faith. No. I’m done confusing trauma With some holy kind of grace. I choose the God Who sits beside me when I’m shaking. The God who doesn’t shame me For the questions I am asking. The God big enough to hear me say, “You broke my fucking heart.” And still leave room between us For a brand-new start. [Outro] I don’t choose the church that hurt me. I don’t choose the hell they made. I don’t choose fear dressed up as love Or suffering dressed as faith. I choose Heaven. I choose God. And this time— I choose Him without abandoning myself.

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