[Intro – fast playful guitar riff, punchy drums] [Female vocal – British accent, conversational] For the record— nobody knows how they got in. [Pause] But there were two Beagles in the shopping centre. And about six minutes later... there weren't many people left. [Band kicks in] [Verse 1 – fast playful female vocals] Doogie through the front door, Paula close behind, Security bloke saw them, said, “Whose dogs are these?” No one raised a hand. No one had a clue. Doogie smelled the food court. Paula spotted something new. Little black radio hanging from a belt, Paula gave a jump— and helped herself. Security turns round: “Oi! Come back!” Worst three words he could've picked for that. [Pre-Chorus – tempo rises] Paula runs! Security follows! Doogie hears the shouting, drops whatever he swallows! One bloke sees a guard running full speed— [Female vocal] And that's apparently all the evidence you need. [Chorus – big melodic punk vocal] Mall emergency! Nobody knows what the emergency is! Mall emergency! But somebody ran, so everybody did! Sirens going, people screaming, half the building heading for the doors— [Shouted] NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE RUNNING FOR! [Instrumental – frantic guitar riff] [Verse 2 – quicker and increasingly chaotic] Woman grabs her handbag, bloke abandons lunch, Someone yells “GET OUT!” with absolutely no hunch. Now twenty people running, then fifty, then more, Somebody hits the alarm beside the sporting-goods store. Doors start flashing, escalator packed, Paula still sprinting with the radio intact. Security on channel: “DOG HEADING WEST!” Someone hears “west” and assumes we're under attack. [Female vocal – dry] Bit of a leap. [Fast Shout-Punk] SHOP STAFF RUNNING! KIDS GET SCOOPED! SOME BLOKE LEFT WITHOUT HIS FUCKING SHOES! BAGS ON THE FLOOR! COFFEE IN THE AIR! ONE WOMAN SCREAMING— [Female lead] She doesn't know why either. Fair. [Chorus – louder and faster] Mall emergency! Nobody knows what the emergency is! Mall emergency! But everybody's certain something fucking is! Sirens going, people screaming, security locking half the doors— [Shouted] STILL NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE RUNNING FOR! [Instrumental Break – driving bass, frantic drums, jagged guitar] [Bridge – instruments suddenly pull back] [Female vocal – calm] Meanwhile... Doogie has discovered a dropped portion of chips. [Pause] Paula has lost the radio. It's underneath a massage chair. [Pause] Neither dog is currently running. [Female vocal – amused] The humans still are. [Band explodes back] [Final Verse – rapid shout-sung chaos] FIRE CREW OUTSIDE! POLICE ARRIVE! CENTRE MANAGEMENT HAVING THE WORST DAY OF THEIR LIVES! “WHAT DID YOU SEE?” “I DON'T KNOW!” “WHY DID YOU RUN?” “THEY TOLD ME TO GO!” “WHO TOLD YOU?” “THAT BLOKE OVER THERE!” Bloke over there: “I JUST SAW EVERYONE RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS!” [Shouted] FUCKING PERFECT! [Fast female vocals] Twenty minutes later, all-clear comes through, Nothing exploded, nobody knew. Security finds Paula sitting sweet by the door— with Doogie beside her and chips on the floor. [Final Chorus – huge melodic punk vocals] Mall emergency! Turns out there was no emergency! Mall emergency! Just two small dogs and collective stupidity! Sirens stopping, doors reopening, everyone embarrassed to the core— [Female lead] Nobody knows what the fuck they were running for. [Final guitar riff] [Outro – female vocal, dry] Security report: “Incident caused by... [Pause] Beagles.” [Long pause] Fair enough.
