(Giggles) Hello darlings! Have you seen the local signs they have in Wales? They twist the English language 'til the passing tourist pales! You drive into a Cwmtwrch, or Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, And wonder if the council's lost their typographic will. But honestly, they've got a point, our spelling is a chore, Let's try a little science and just chuck them out the door! Welcome to our grand linguistic test! Where we put the alphabet under arrest! We'll borrow from the Welsh to build a literal regime, And tear the English language down right at the very seam! (Tee-hee! Let the chaos begin!) Right, step one! Let's completely banish the first vowel! I promise not to use the first unholy little sign, I will construct my sentences so perfectly divine! No felines resting on the rug, no rodents in the house... (Ooh, this is tricky... but I will press on, quiet, little mouse!) Right, this is getting complex. Now, goodbye to the fifth letter! Th' s'c'nd symb'l j'ins th' f'rst, w' thr'w it in th' b'n! W'lc'm' t' 'ur gr'nd l'nguistic t'st, wh'r' l'tt'rs l's' 'nd sp'n! W' b'rr'w fr'm th' W'lsh t' b'ild 'ur str'ct, l't'r'l r'gim', (Ugh, my m'uth h'rts!) 'nd t'r th' nglish l'ngu'g' d'wn right 't th' v'ry s'm! I'm losing my mind! Chuck 'I' and 'O' in the skip too! Get rid of them! Th' f'rth 'nd f'fth v'w'ls cr'sh 'nd b'rn! Wh'n w'll th's st'p'd g'v'rnm'nt l'rn?! M' thr't s cl's'ng p, m' t'ngu' s bl'd'ng n'w, J'st s' 'W' 'nd 'Y' l'k c'ws th't c'nn't pl'w! (Snort! K'p g'ng!) Th' sl'pp'r' sl'p s h'r', m' fr'nds, Th' l'ng'g' sh'tt'rs 'nd t b'nds! N' 'A', n' 'E', n' 'I', n' 'O'! W' r' f'll'ng d'wn b'l'w! KILL THE 'U'! DESTROY IT ALL! Dr'p th' 'U'! Dr'p t ll! N' m'r v'w'ls n th' w'll! Cwm-cl-sh-v-f-vll! Sh-k-t-p-r-t-f-ll! P-t-k-c-t-p-k! D-g-l-b-w-f-m-n! (Heavy frantic breathing) Gr-n-k-sh... (Loud, sharp, unvoweled grunt!)
