[verse 1] my therapist thinks i'm hilarious at least that's what her face implies she says, "you intellectualize your feelings" i say, "well, should i use interpretive dance?" she says, "notice how you answered with a joke" i say, "notice how you didn't answer mine" she asks about my mother i say, "which incident? we've got an hour" she says, "we've got fifty minutes" i say, "so now we're rationing the trauma?" [pre-chorus] she writes something down, i lean to see she says, "why's that important?" "well, it's ABOUT me" she says, "you want to control how you're perceived" i say, "and you don't? that's a little naive" [chorus] my therapist thinks i'm hilarious though she'd never say it quite like that she calls it "using humor as avoidance" i call it "getting my money back" fifty minutes of professional concern and somehow i'm the one who's entertaining her she says, "you don't have to make me laugh" well, somebody's gotta earn the hundred and a half [verse 2] she says, "you seem uncomfortable with silence" i say, "i'm paying by the minute, wouldn't you?" she says, "what happens if we sit here?" "you get richer and i get anxious. next question." she says, "do you ever let yourself be wrong?" "constantly. i came here, didn't i?" she says, "what would happen if you cried?" "i'd need a tissue. why, are we out of those too?" [pre-chorus] she says, "you make everything a debate" i say, "that's a claim, not evidence" she says, "how does that make you feel?" "like you're changing the subject again" [chorus] my therapist thinks i'm hilarious though she'd never say it quite like that she calls it "using humor as avoidance" i call it "getting my money back" fifty minutes of professional concern and somehow i'm the one who's entertaining her she says, "you don't have to make me laugh" well, somebody's gotta earn the hundred and a half [bridge: piano alone, clarinet silent; the vocal loses its theatrical edge] she asked me once what i was afraid of i said, "the usual things. death, rejection, being known" she waited, and i almost told her that i think i'm only loved when i'm amusing [brief silence] then i said, "well, that explains my marriage" and she laughed before she could stop herself [clarinet enters with a tentative, melancholy phrase] [final chorus: full band, exuberant, increasingly frantic] my therapist thinks i'm hilarious and frankly, she's a difficult crowd she says, "you don't have to earn affection" i say, "then why am i paying for it now?" fifty minutes of professional concern and somehow i'm the one who's entertaining her she says, "we're making real progress here" i say, "great, can we get that in writing, dear?" [outro: bass and piano, tempo slowing] she says, "same time next week?" i say, "you tell me, you're the one with the schedule" she says, "take care of yourself" i say, "that's literally why i hired you" [spoken, halfway out the door] and for the record, the interpretive dance would've been devastating.
