[Intro – Spoken, deadpan] Before I begin, my pronouns are they/them. I've also got a forty-page gender manifesto, A glossary of terms you haven't learned yet, And a deep-seated need to correct your terminology. Oh, you're into that? Good. You're absolutely insufferable. And I think I'm in love. [Verse 1 – Bouncy, conversational] I corrected your terminology Before I learned your name, Gave a nuanced TED Talk On why gender isn't the same As biological assignment, Presentation, or desire— You interrupted with a footnote And my heart caught fire. You're genderfluid, darling, But your label's under review. I'm agender-ish, my sweetheart, With a provisional gender queue. We spent three hours debating If our flirting's queerplatonic, Then filed a formal complaint When the waiter called us iconic. [Pre-Chorus – Building] My language is outdated By approximately a week. Your intersectional analysis Is intellectually weak. I'm problematic, you're chronically online, But we kissed for forty minutes Over whose definition's fine! [Hook – Spoken, grandly sincere] As one nondescript humanoid to another... I recognize your red flags as my own. And frankly, that's the hottest thing Anyone has ever said to me. [Build – Dramatic harmonies] You're my genderqueer nightmare! My pronoun-policing dream! My walking, talking, fifteen-page Complaint to the HR team! The world's already got enough of us To make the whole place insane— [Chorus – Explosive, full band] I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! (I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU!) My gender's complicated, But my paperwork is too! I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! You're the only human being Who can make me want to sue! We're two insufferable weirdos And our love is overdue! I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! [Verse 2 – Funky, increasingly absurd] You're my demiboy darling, My gender-expansive dream, My xenogender sweetheart With a spreadsheet and a scheme. You've got seventeen microlabels And a glossary at brunch— I brought a forty-page appendix And a second lunch. You say my presentation Isn't culturally compliant. I say your tone is patronizing, Your response is noncompliant. We spend our anniversary Debating which of us spoke first, Then argue over whether Our relationship's a social construct. I'm nonbinary, I'm infallible— At least in my own mind. You say that's not an identity. I say you're being unkind. I whisper, "That's invalidating!" Then accuse you of bad faith, And somehow we're making out In the office fire escape. [Pre-Chorus 2 – Handclaps, escalating] We don't believe in boxes, But we LOVE a dropdown menu! We reject imposed categories Unless they're filled out wrong by you! We've got seventeen distinctions For a feeling called "annoyed," And a shared Google document For the labels we've destroyed! [Chorus – Bigger, backing harmonies] I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! (I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU!) My gender's complicated, But my paperwork is too! I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! We're the reason every company Has a legal team on call! We don't want preferential treatment— We just want to file it all! I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! [Bridge – Music stops; solo vocalist, switching into mock corporate voices] HR asked me why I'd filed Forty-seven complaints. I said, "Forty-eight! You misgendered my partner in an email!" Then I filed another grievance 'Cause the form assumed my sex. Then I filed a formal grievance 'Cause the grievance form was vexed! They described us as a couple. We hadn't settled on the term. I called it heteronormative. They called security in turn. I live with my beloved. We share a bed and bills. But whether we're a couple Is a matter for our wills. And if you call us "roommates," That's erasure of our love! If you call us "soulmates," That's presumptuous from above! [Beat drops – Spoken, increasingly passionate] I think we're being discriminated against! By whom?! I haven't figured that out yet! But I have a spreadsheet! [Final Chorus – Key change, full choir harmonies by the same singer] I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! (I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU!) We'll correct the whole damn company Before our lunch break's through! I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! We're a walking HR nightmare, And our love is tried and true! We're insufferable together— And that's what makes us two! I ANDROGYNOUS BONER YOU! WE'RE BOTH A PAIN IN THE ASS! AND WE'VE FOUND OUR PERFECT MATCH! [Outro – Spoken, fading synth] I love your mind. I love your heart. I love your seventeen evolving labels. I love how you correct me When I use the wrong ones. I love that you filed a complaint About my complaint About your complaint. I love you. Now, one quick question... Have we finalized our relationship terminology? [Pause] Oh, this is going to be a beautiful disaster. [Final sting – Deadpan] HR has declined to comment. [Fade Out]
