Still Going (Worse) The bar keeps sliding off the end of me I miss the stool, I miss the year, I miss the key My mouth is full of names I shouldn’t say They come out crooked, wet, and halfway I told the ice I loved it, watched it die I told the glass the truth and watched it lie The room is breathing wrong, the floor’s a dare I laugh so hard I almost leave me there Somebody cuts me off, I cut them back With a smile that doesn’t know it’s cracked My hands won’t hold the thing they’re reaching for I reach again. I reach. I hit the floor. Desperate, drunk, delirious And I am not done The lights are two, the door is three I’ll take the one that lets me leave If I can’t walk, I’ll drag the night If I can’t speak, I’ll spit the fight I am a mess with somewhere left I am not finished yet The street is tilting like it wants me dead I bargain with the curb and miss my step A cab won’t stop, a god won’t look, so what I’ve walked on worse than this, I’ve walked on blood My coat is inside out, my pride is gone I say the address wrong and then go on The phone is dead, the plan is in my teeth I bite it till it hurts enough to keep Don’t sit. Don’t sit. The sitting is the end. The alley knows my name, I don’t give in. I count the cracks, I lose the count, I swear At every window that still has a glare Desperate, drunk, delirious And I am not done My knees are glass, my mouth is rust I want the dark and I want out If the night is gonna take me It can take me on my feet I forget the reason, fine I’ll invent one down the line Home won’t open. Key won’t fit. I try. I try again. The lock laughs. So do I. Third time it catches like a thin consent I fall inside and call it what I meant Water from the tap, both hands, I miss Half of it hits the sink, the rest hits this I am still shaking like the bar’s in me I am still saying go, go, go, barely Morning can hate me. Let it. I can wait. I’ve hated clearer nights than this, and stayed. Shoes by the chair. Coat on the floor. Alive. I whisper to the spinning dark: survive. Survive. Survive. I said it. It stays said. The room keeps moving. I stay in the bed. Delirious, determined, barely here And still, and still, and still not disappeared.
