The Burner (I Run The Oven So You Don’t Have To)

They call me “The Burner” - yeah, the guy who runs the flame, I crank the oven up and everybody looks the same. No holy halos, no eternal afterglow Just me and heat and ashes in a tidy little row. I punch the timecard, mate, the fire roars hello, Another shift in hell - but with better airflow. And when they ask me, “Ain’t it dark what you do?” I say, “Darker than your jokes, mate - and twice as true!” I run the oven - so you don’t have to! Turn up the heat, lads - so you don’t have to! If life goes cold, I’ll send you off warm, I’m the punk-rock firekeeper in the final storm. I run the oven - so you don’t have to! No gods inspect my work, no angels check the dial, Just me in steel-toe boots with a very wicked smile. Atheist anthem in the furnace flare, If heaven’s real - they ain’t sendin’ me there. I’ve burned the rich, the rude, the cruel, the kind, They all combust the same - equality defined. And when they whisper, “Do you ever fear the end?” I shrug - “Nah, mate… I’m workin’ with it. Death’s my best friend.” I whistle by the furnace, Like a cockney pyro-priest, If life’s a dodgy banquet I’m the bloke who cooks the feast! I run the oven - so you don’t have to! Come sing it, mates - so you don’t have to! If life is short, then death’s a longer stay, And I’m the one who keeps it warm - in my own twisted way. I run the oven - so you don’t have to! “Oi Burner, what’s that job you’re keepin’?” “I stoke the flames - keep the afterlife heatin’!” “Ain’t it scary, mate?” “Nah, but I would be pissed - if someone else burned me in a way I don’t assist!” I run the oven - so you don’t have to! One last burn, boys - so you don’t have to! If death’s a cold goodbye, then I’ll spark the ignition, ’Cause sendin’ you off warm - that’s my bloody tradition. I run the oven - so you don’t have to!