I Just Ripped a Bong

I just ripped a bong.

Well—hold on. Hold on a second.
I said I just ripped a bong.
That’s the whole announcement.
That’s the headline.
That’s what happened in this room, right here, with the little chair that squeaks when you lean back too far.

And I leaned back too far.
Of course I did.
I’m sitting there, minding my business, and that chair goes, “Eee.”
I go, “Don’t start with me.”
The chair doesn’t answer.
Very smart chair.

Now, listen—everybody’s got a plan.
You got your plans, I got my plans.
My plan was simple: take one little pull, sit down, have some water.
That was the plan.
Then I looked at the clock and the clock looked different.
Not wrong. Different.
Like it had something to say and was waiting for me to finish.

I said, “What time is it?”
Nobody told me.
So I asked again, louder.
“What time is it?”
Still nothing!
That’s when I realized I was asking the microwave.
The microwave was off.
It had no business keeping time.

I got up—slowly. Very slowly.
You don’t rush a moment like that.
You take a step, you check the floor, you take another step.
There’s a glass on the table.
I knew it was a glass.
I did not know it was my glass.
Then I remembered putting it there.
That’s how you know you’re doing all right.

I just ripped a bong.
And now I’m conducting an investigation.
I’ve got the chair, the clock, the microwave, and this glass.
Four witnesses.
One of them is made of glass, so we’ll have to be careful with the questions.

“Where were you at approximately—”
No, no, no. That’s too official.
“Where were you when I sat down?”
The chair squeaked.
Aha!
I knew it.

Don’t look at me like that.
I’m perfectly calm.
I’m calm enough to explain it twice.
I just ripped a bong.
I sat down.
The chair squeaked.
The microwave refused to cooperate.
And the glass—well, the glass has maintained a very suspicious silence.

Now I’m gonna get some water.
That’s the next move.
Water. Simple.
I know where the kitchen is.
It’s through that door—unless that’s the closet.
No, that’s the kitchen.
I can tell by the fact that it’s got a refrigerator in it.
That’s a strong clue.

All right. Here we go.
One step.
Two steps.
Don’t rush it.
I’m not in a race with anybody.
Especially not that clock.
That clock knows what it did.

I just ripped a bong.
That’s it.
That’s all.
And when I get that water, I’m gonna sit down, put the glass on the table, and leave the chair out of this.
Unless it squeaks again.
Then we’re gonna have another conversation.
A short one.
A very short—
What was I saying?
Right.
Water.
I’m getting water.
I’m doing great.

2565/7500

I just ripped a bong. Well—hold on. Hold on a second. I said I just ripped a bong. That’s the whole announcement. That’s the headline. That’s what happened in this room, right here, with the little chair that squeaks when you lean back too far. And I leaned back too far. Of course I did. I’m sitting there, minding my business, and that chair goes, “Eee.” I go, “Don’t start with me.” The chair doesn’t answer. Very smart chair. Now, listen—everybody’s got a plan. You got your plans, I got my plans. My plan was simple: take one little pull, sit down, have some water. That was the plan. Then I looked at the clock and the clock looked different. Not wrong. Different. Like it had something to say and was waiting for me to finish. I said, “What time is it?” Nobody told me. So I asked again, louder. “What time is it?” Still nothing! That’s when I realized I was asking the microwave. The microwave was off. It had no business keeping time. I got up—slowly. Very slowly. You don’t rush a moment like that. You take a step, you check the floor, you take another step. There’s a glass on the table. I knew it was a glass. I did not know it was my glass. Then I remembered putting it there. That’s how you know you’re doing all right. I just ripped a bong. And now I’m conducting an investigation. I’ve got the chair, the clock, the microwave, and this glass. Four witnesses. One of them is made of glass, so we’ll have to be careful with the questions. “Where were you at approximately—” No, no, no. That’s too official. “Where were you when I sat down?” The chair squeaked. Aha! I knew it. Don’t look at me like that. I’m perfectly calm. I’m calm enough to explain it twice. I just ripped a bong. I sat down. The chair squeaked. The microwave refused to cooperate. And the glass—well, the glass has maintained a very suspicious silence. Now I’m gonna get some water. That’s the next move. Water. Simple. I know where the kitchen is. It’s through that door—unless that’s the closet. No, that’s the kitchen. I can tell by the fact that it’s got a refrigerator in it. That’s a strong clue. All right. Here we go. One step. Two steps. Don’t rush it. I’m not in a race with anybody. Especially not that clock. That clock knows what it did. I just ripped a bong. That’s it. That’s all. And when I get that water, I’m gonna sit down, put the glass on the table, and leave the chair out of this. Unless it squeaks again. Then we’re gonna have another conversation. A short one. A very short— What was I saying? Right. Water. I’m getting water. I’m doing great.

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