[Intro] (Plinky piano, paper tearing sound) Ladies and gentlemen… Tonight’s act was handmade. Barely. [Verse 1] Happy Birthday to me—written crooked and fast, Pen ran out halfway, effort didn’t last. No color, no thought, no joke inside, Just my name misspelled and tossed aside. You slid it over like a parking ticket fine, Didn’t even look up—“Yeah, that’s mine.” I’ve seen grocery lists with more heart than this, You really woke up and chose minimalist. [Chorus] Ohhh five seconds of effort, front to back, Folded once wrong, edges cracked. No cake, no note, no soul to find, Just “Happy B-Day” in a bored-ass line. You didn’t make a card—you committed a crime, Against birthdays, paper, effort, and time. [Verse 2] No drawing, no joke, no fake little grin, Didn’t even pretend you were trying to win. Couldn’t spare a minute, couldn’t fake the care, But you had time to breathe and exist right there. I’ve opened mail that meant a lot more to me, At least junk mail tries emotionally. This wasn’t a gift—it was evidence clear, Exhibit A: “I don’t wanna be here.” [Chorus] Ohhh five seconds of effort, black ink despair, You looked at the card like, “Yeah… whatever.” Didn’t crease it straight, didn’t spell it right, Didn’t even commit to the pen you write. You gave me this like a chore unpaid— Son… I’ve seen rocks with more thought conveyed. [Bridge] (Music drops—music box wheezing) One day soon you’ll want something real, A favor, a ride, a credit card deal. And I’ll remember this masterpiece thin, This work of art you phoned the hell in. I’ll smile and say, “Wow… bold choice, kid.” Just like you did. [Chorus – Final] So frame it up, folks, museum-grade, The laziest card ever physically made. No love, no spark, no memory stored— Just paper that begged to be ignored. Happy Birthday to me, lesson well played: If effort’s a gift… You returned it, unpaid. [Outro – Spoken Female (Carmen)] Kids… if you hear circus music playing, that means the Ringmaster is busy… making another song about you. Stay in your rooms.
