🎶 “Call of the Fjord” aka “Grandpa Was a Berserker, I Sell Insurance” (Verse 1) My ancestors conquered with axes and flame, Now I go to the gym and train. They pillaged and plundered, made kingdoms fall, I drive a Prius and yell at the mall. Great-Great Olaf rode waves with a grin, Wrestled a kraken, then drank from its fin. Meanwhile I’m here with my gluten-free bread, Watching Vikings reruns in bed. (Chorus) The gods are calling, they want me to raid, But I’ve got a dentist appointment today at three. They scream “To Valhalla! Go conquer the shore!” I sigh and just mop up the juice from the floor. Cursed by my bloodline, stuck in my form— A Viking of leisure, afraid of a storm. (Verse 2) Lutefisk dinners and tasteless delights, Seasoned with sadness, must had boiled all night. But give me some ale, and I’ll start to believe I could still raid a Costco if granted reprieve. Odin just FaceTimed, he’s mad and he’s loud, Said I’ve dishonored our whole northern crowd. He wants me to battle, to burn and to brag— I told him I’m busy, and flagged it as spam. (Chorus) The gods are calling, with hammers and horns, But I’m more into podcasts and herbal detox. They say “Bring the fire!” I say “I’m in bed.” They want a berserker—I clip coupons instead. Caught in the bloodline, born of the storm— But I’m scared of bees and I sunburn with ease. (Bridge – chanty style) Oh ho! Row, row, row! Through fjords and fears and mid-life woes! Oh ho! Raid, raid, raid! My last conquest was a furniture trade! (Verse 3) Tried wearing a helmet to feel more divine, But I sprained my neck and spilled boxed wine. I thought I could summon the rage in my core— But I needed a nap... and my back’s kinda sore. (Final Chorus) The gods are laughing, I hear them above, They say “You’re no warrior—you’re a push comes to shove.” I raise up my glass and toast to my fate— A Viking by name… but I’m home by eight. (Outro – softly, with pride) So here’s to the legends, the longships, the tales, To sails in the wind and warm-hearted ales. Though I don’t raid, and I don’t wield a blade… I still hear the call… …I just hit delay. 🎶 Skål! 🎶
