White Christmas

qualiacology

Untitled Persona

qualiacology

Christmas, big band, vocal jazz

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Chop it with my health insurance card
Irony isn't lost on me, it's art
Roll a twenty, that's my last til rent
Baby Jesus, this is how I Lent

First line hits like a childhood scar
Second line, I'm a fucking star
Check my gums, they're numb, thank God, amen
Wipe the toilet seat and go again

[Chorus]
[Massive, triumphant, department store energy]
I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS
Racked up on the porcelain throne
Where my jaw is swinging
And the carols singing
Can't feel my face or my phone

I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS
Drip sliding down my throat like grace
May your baggie never empty
May your lies sound plenty
And may all your Christmases be white

[Verse 2]
[Even more tender, like a lullaby]
Dad's on beer fourteen and getting mean
Mom's performing sober like a queen
Brother's kid just asked me why I'm wet
I said "Uncle's very excited, pet"

Grandma's ham is dry as her advice
"When I was your age I had a life"
Cousin's posting photos, I got cropped
Thank Christ, my pupils look like something popped

Excuse me, gotta use the little boys'
Back in the bathroom with my little joys
Gumming residue off the Ziploc seal
This is the most alive I'll ever feel

[Chorus]
[Same huge, triumphant, glossy chorus feel]
I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS
Texting my dealer, hope he's home
Where the presents are wrapped
And my septum is tapped
And I'm grinding my teeth to the bone

I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS
Every rail a little valentine
May your nose not start bleeding
May your heart keep on beating
And may all your Christmases be white

[Bridge]
[Sweeping orchestral build, spoken like a TED Talk from God]
You know what they don't tell you about the holidays?

They don't tell you that your father will corner you by the coats
And ask why you're not more like your brother
While your brother is in the basement
Showing your teenage cousin crypto scams

They don't tell you that your mother will smile at you
With the same smile she used when you found her pills
When you were nine
And she said they were "Mommy's helpers"
Well, Mommy
[Sniff]
I've got helpers too

They don't tell you that Grandma's bathroom
Has better lighting than your apartment
And that you'll see yourself clearly for the first time all year
In her magnifying mirror
Sweating, grinding your teeth
With a Precious Moments figurine of a child praying
Watching you
Hoover your self-esteem off the back of your hand

But you know what?
[Voice breaking with emotion]
That little ceramic child isn't judging me
She gets it
She knows
We're all just trying to survive

God bless her little painted eyes

[Verse 3]
[The peak, absolute maximum joy, belted like the climax of a musical]
NOW I'M BACK AT DINNER FEELING GREAT
Talking fast about my real estate
Hugged my dad, told him I adore him
He looked confused, I said "sorry, just ignore him"

Gave a toast that went eleven minutes
Cried about the dog we had, rest in peace Biscuit
Told my grandma she's my favorite person
Now I'm monologuing and it's worsening

Someone pulled me aside, "are you okay?"
I said "I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY"
Then I ate nine cookies and a decorative orange
Then I went back to the bathroom for storage

[Chorus]
[Full orchestra, choir of angels, church bells, completely over-the-top]
I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS!
THE KIND THAT MAKES YOUR SKULL FEEL TIGHT!
WHERE THE DRIP TASTES LIKE GASOLINE
AND YOUR THOUGHTS ARE FAST AND MEAN
BUT YOU LOVE EVERYONE IN SIGHT!

I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS!
LOCKED IN A BATHROOM FEELING BLESSED!
MAY YOUR DEALER HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MAY YOUR SECRETS STAY INSIDE YOUR CHEST!
AND MAY ALLLLLLL YOUR CHRISTMASES—

[Break]
[Music stops. Dead silence. Two seconds.]

[Outro]
[Gentle music box and single piano note, devastatingly tender, whispered delivery]
It's 2 AM.
Everyone went to bed.
I'm sitting in the living room.
The tree lights are still on.

My jaw hurts.
My heart is doing something weird.
I drank all the water.
There's no more water.

[Soft breath]
Grandma left me a plate in the fridge.
Wrapped in foil.
Wrote my name on it.
With a little heart.

[Voice cracks]
I should call someone.
Not tonight.
Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe next year.

[Music box slowing down]
I'm dreaming... of a white... Christmas...

[Whispered, barely audible]
I'm so tired.

[Single sleigh bell, distant]
[Silence]

[Spoken Tag]
[Text-to-speech voice, clinical]
"If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, please reach out to—"

[Record scratch - back to huge orchestral finale]
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

[Confetti sounds, party horns, cheering crowd, sleigh bells going crazy, fade out on chaos]

4986/7500

[Bing Crosby vocals] [Bing Crosby 1950s Production] [Bing Crosby Vocals Delivery] [To the tune of an upbeat white Christmas] [Verse 1] [Crooned with the warmth of a grandfather reading a bedtime story] Lock the bathroom door and kill the fan Sweating through my Christmas sweater, fam Grandma's got a mirror by the sink Perfect little altar, help me think Chop it with my health insurance card Irony isn't lost on me, it's art Roll a twenty, that's my last til rent Baby Jesus, this is how I Lent First line hits like a childhood scar Second line, I'm a fucking star Check my gums, they're numb, thank God, amen Wipe the toilet seat and go again [Chorus] [Massive, triumphant, department store energy] I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS Racked up on the porcelain throne Where my jaw is swinging And the carols singing Can't feel my face or my phone I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS Drip sliding down my throat like grace May your baggie never empty May your lies sound plenty And may all your Christmases be white [Verse 2] [Even more tender, like a lullaby] Dad's on beer fourteen and getting mean Mom's performing sober like a queen Brother's kid just asked me why I'm wet I said "Uncle's very excited, pet" Grandma's ham is dry as her advice "When I was your age I had a life" Cousin's posting photos, I got cropped Thank Christ, my pupils look like something popped Excuse me, gotta use the little boys' Back in the bathroom with my little joys Gumming residue off the Ziploc seal This is the most alive I'll ever feel [Chorus] [Same huge, triumphant, glossy chorus feel] I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS Texting my dealer, hope he's home Where the presents are wrapped And my septum is tapped And I'm grinding my teeth to the bone I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS Every rail a little valentine May your nose not start bleeding May your heart keep on beating And may all your Christmases be white [Bridge] [Sweeping orchestral build, spoken like a TED Talk from God] You know what they don't tell you about the holidays? They don't tell you that your father will corner you by the coats And ask why you're not more like your brother While your brother is in the basement Showing your teenage cousin crypto scams They don't tell you that your mother will smile at you With the same smile she used when you found her pills When you were nine And she said they were "Mommy's helpers" Well, Mommy [Sniff] I've got helpers too They don't tell you that Grandma's bathroom Has better lighting than your apartment And that you'll see yourself clearly for the first time all year In her magnifying mirror Sweating, grinding your teeth With a Precious Moments figurine of a child praying Watching you Hoover your self-esteem off the back of your hand But you know what? [Voice breaking with emotion] That little ceramic child isn't judging me She gets it She knows We're all just trying to survive God bless her little painted eyes [Verse 3] [The peak, absolute maximum joy, belted like the climax of a musical] NOW I'M BACK AT DINNER FEELING GREAT Talking fast about my real estate Hugged my dad, told him I adore him He looked confused, I said "sorry, just ignore him" Gave a toast that went eleven minutes Cried about the dog we had, rest in peace Biscuit Told my grandma she's my favorite person Now I'm monologuing and it's worsening Someone pulled me aside, "are you okay?" I said "I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY" Then I ate nine cookies and a decorative orange Then I went back to the bathroom for storage [Chorus] [Full orchestra, choir of angels, church bells, completely over-the-top] I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS! THE KIND THAT MAKES YOUR SKULL FEEL TIGHT! WHERE THE DRIP TASTES LIKE GASOLINE AND YOUR THOUGHTS ARE FAST AND MEAN BUT YOU LOVE EVERYONE IN SIGHT! I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS! LOCKED IN A BATHROOM FEELING BLESSED! MAY YOUR DEALER HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS! MAY YOUR SECRETS STAY INSIDE YOUR CHEST! AND MAY ALLLLLLL YOUR CHRISTMASES— [Break] [Music stops. Dead silence. Two seconds.] [Outro] [Gentle music box and single piano note, devastatingly tender, whispered delivery] It's 2 AM. Everyone went to bed. I'm sitting in the living room. The tree lights are still on. My jaw hurts. My heart is doing something weird. I drank all the water. There's no more water. [Soft breath] Grandma left me a plate in the fridge. Wrapped in foil. Wrote my name on it. With a little heart. [Voice cracks] I should call someone. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next year. [Music box slowing down] I'm dreaming... of a white... Christmas... [Whispered, barely audible] I'm so tired. [Single sleigh bell, distant] [Silence] [Spoken Tag] [Text-to-speech voice, clinical] "If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, please reach out to—" [Record scratch - back to huge orchestral finale] MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! [Confetti sounds, party horns, cheering crowd, sleigh bells going crazy, fade out on chaos]

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