When Does It Change

[Intro - Low, Spoken] When? That's what everybody wants to know. When you gonna change? When you gonna get your shit together? Truth is... I don't fucking know. [Verse 1] I'm disappointed in myself, I ain't gonna lie, Family probably disappointed too, I see it in their eyes Ain't gotta say a word, I know exactly what they think, I've been standing on the edge of change, watching myself sink I said I'd do better, then I did what I always do, Made promises sound good, then watched 'em fall through I could blame circumstances, I could blame who I became, But some nights I look at myself and know I'm part of the blame That's the part nobody wants to fucking talk about, Knowing you had a choice but you still took the wrong route Knowing people tried to help and you still couldn't get right, Then waking up the next day carrying it like it's light I don't need somebody telling me I've fucked up, I've replayed every failure enough to know what's up Question ain't whether I know, question is when, 'Cause I keep meeting the same version of me again [Hook] When does it change? When does it finally shift? When does the person I am Stop becoming what I did? I question my will, I question my mind, Question every decision I've made a thousand times Is it me? Is it my head? Is it something I can't see Till it's already done instead? When does it change? I don't fucking know. That's the truth. That's all I got. [Verse 2] Sometimes I don't trust the way I think anymore, One thought says "walk," another says "stay by the door" One minute I'm certain, next minute I doubt, Got a whole courtroom in my skull arguing it out And everybody thinks they know what I should be, Funny how it's easier to judge than it is to be me They see the aftermath, they don't see the process, They see another failure, I see every fucking thought behind it But I'm not saying they're wrong, that's the fucked-up part, Some of what they see is exactly who we are I can dress it up with reasons, give a thousand explanations, Still doesn't change the consequences of my decisions I wonder if my will got weaker or my mind got louder, If I lost control slowly or just stopped getting prouder If there's something underneath that I don't understand, Or if I've been handing every problem back to my own hands I don't know where the line is anymore, Between what I chose and what I couldn't ignore And I hate that I can't give myself a straight answer, 'Cause uncertainty can fuck with you harder than anger [Hook] When does it change? When does it finally shift? When does the person I am Stop becoming what I did? I question my will, I question my mind, Question every decision I've made a thousand times Is it me? Is it my head? Is it something I can't see Till it's already done instead? When does it change? I don't fucking know. That's the truth. That's all I got. [Verse 3] My family wants change, I know they probably do, And part of me wants it, but wanting ain't enough to Turn every bad habit into something I can bury, Or erase every year I've spent carrying what I carry That's another truth I don't like admitting, Sometimes I know exactly what I'm doing while I'm doing it Then afterwards I'm standing there asking myself why, Like the answer disappeared the second that I crossed the line I don't want pity, don't mistake this for that, I'm not looking for applause for admitting the facts I'm just tired of pretending I got answers I don't, Tired of saying "soon" when I don't know if I won't Maybe tomorrow changes something. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'm expecting some dramatic fucking moment Where everything suddenly makes sense. Maybe that's bullshit. Maybe change is quieter than I imagined, Or maybe I'm just sitting here waiting for something that never happens I don't know. And that's probably the most honest line I've written in a long fucking time. [Bridge - Stripped Back] I disappoint myself. That's hard to say. Not because it's complicated. Because it's simple. I've had chances. I've wasted chances. I've made excuses. I've made mistakes. And sometimes... I genuinely don't know why I keep doing it. [Final Hook] When does it change? I don't know when. Maybe that's why I keep asking it again. I question my will, I question my head, Question if I'm thinking clearly Or just thinking instead Family sees me, I see myself, Neither one of us Has a perfect picture of what the hell I'm not gonna promise That tomorrow I'll be new. I'm not gonna lie just to make this sound good too. When does it change? I don't know. [Outro - Spoken] Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I keep waiting for an answer before I do anything different. Or maybe... I really don't know. Either way, that's where I'm at.