The HOA Minutes

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Welcome to the HOA minutes
Where democracy goes to die
Where reasonable adults spend hours
Debating beige versus "desert sky"
Welcome to the HOA minutes
I'm reading them into the record now
Because someone should bear witness
To the pettiest war this town's ever allowed

Item six, the fence-height referendum
Eleven months of hearings and we're nowhere near the end of 'em
The Johnsons' fence exceeds the code by just under two inches
The Johnsons hired a lawyer, which is how a HOA lynches
Its own credibility — but nobody blinked
The committee chair says "order" and the treasurer pours a drink

Welcome to the HOA minutes
Where the rulebook runs the floor
Where a plastic pink flamingo
Somehow triggered a jurisdictional war
It's been tabled, then untabled
Then referred to a subcommittee for "further review"
Welcome to the HOA minutes
We've been here since half past two

Approved mailbox colors for the fiscal year:
Slate. Charcoal. Graphite. Gunmetal.
Fog. Pewter. Ash.

Rejected mailbox colors:
Gray.

The distinction was not explained
The vote was unanimous

Item twelve, old Gerald took the floor
Gave a speech on freedom and what holidays are for
The "tasteful lumens" motion never made it to a vote
Gerald plugged in forty thousand bulbs, and here I quote:
"I rest my case" — the breakers blew, the room went dark then white
Margaret called a point of order; Gerald called it "freedom's light"

Welcome to the HOA minutes
The permanent record of our kind
Forty people in a room too small
Fighting quiet wars that only we could find
But we show up every quarter
And we'll show up every time
Welcome to the HOA minutes
And God help me — I just volunteered to write the next one

Meeting adjourned, eleven forty-seven PM
Refreshments were adequate
Margaret dissented
She always dissents

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Item one: the April minutes, amended liberally Approved with one objection — Margaret, naturally She finds the Petersons' garden "visually extreme" A butterfly sanctuary she calls a "botanical regime" Section four, clause nine — she's memorized the book The rest of us just got here and we're looking for the hook Welcome to the HOA minutes Where democracy goes to die Where reasonable adults spend hours Debating beige versus "desert sky" Welcome to the HOA minutes I'm reading them into the record now Because someone should bear witness To the pettiest war this town's ever allowed Item six, the fence-height referendum Eleven months of hearings and we're nowhere near the end of 'em The Johnsons' fence exceeds the code by just under two inches The Johnsons hired a lawyer, which is how a HOA lynches Its own credibility — but nobody blinked The committee chair says "order" and the treasurer pours a drink Welcome to the HOA minutes Where the rulebook runs the floor Where a plastic pink flamingo Somehow triggered a jurisdictional war It's been tabled, then untabled Then referred to a subcommittee for "further review" Welcome to the HOA minutes We've been here since half past two Approved mailbox colors for the fiscal year: Slate. Charcoal. Graphite. Gunmetal. Fog. Pewter. Ash. Rejected mailbox colors: Gray. The distinction was not explained The vote was unanimous Item twelve, old Gerald took the floor Gave a speech on freedom and what holidays are for The "tasteful lumens" motion never made it to a vote Gerald plugged in forty thousand bulbs, and here I quote: "I rest my case" — the breakers blew, the room went dark then white Margaret called a point of order; Gerald called it "freedom's light" Welcome to the HOA minutes The permanent record of our kind Forty people in a room too small Fighting quiet wars that only we could find But we show up every quarter And we'll show up every time Welcome to the HOA minutes And God help me — I just volunteered to write the next one Meeting adjourned, eleven forty-seven PM Refreshments were adequate Margaret dissented She always dissents

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