[Intro — dirty bass riff, palm-muted guitar building] Fingers together, Thumb to the side, Gunny's been sharpening that thing Since nineteen ninety-five. Nobody knows how. Nobody understands. But stand the fuck back— HERE COMES KNIFE-HAND MAN! [Band explodes in] [Verse 1] Gunny had a way of pointing That could make a grown man move, One hand fired like a weapon Any time he disapproved. Knife-hand left toward the barracks, Knife-hand right toward Motor T, Knife-hand straight into your face— “THAT'S WHERE THE FUCK YOU NEED TO BE!” Years of anger, years of practice, Years of fingers locked in line, Till one day he swung that bastard— AND CUT A DESK CLEAN THROUGH THIS TIME! Gunny looked down at the wreckage, Then slowly at his hand, Every Marine backed away— And thus began the legend of... [Chorus] KNIFE-HAND MAN! KNIFE-HAND MAN! Cuts through anything he can! Steel and stone don't stand a chance Against that razor-fucking hand! Left or right, Near or far, Gunny's leaving battle scars! Better move while you still can— HERE COMES KNIFE-HAND MAN! [Verse 2] He started small with cardboard, Then worked his way through wood, Took a swipe across a steel door— Cut way better than it should. Concrete didn't slow him down, Neither did ballistic glass, Then some genius said, “The Humvee?” Gunny smiled— And cut that motherfucker in half. Motor T came running over, Gunny knew he'd gone too far, So he pointed toward the wreckage— And accidentally cut their car. Now the whole damn base was talking, Every Lance had heard the tale: If Gunny starts extending fingers— GET BEHIND SOMETHING FOR SALE! [Chorus] KNIFE-HAND MAN! KNIFE-HAND MAN! Cuts through anything he can! Steel and stone don't stand a chance Against that razor-fucking hand! Left or right, Near or far, Gunny's leaving battle scars! Better move while you still can— HERE COMES KNIFE-HAND MAN! [Verse 3] Soon the brass became concerned, Scientists were called to see, How the hell a human hand Could slice through reinforced concrete. One Doc mentioned Wolverine, Gunny nearly split his sides: “Six whole claws to do my job? HELL, I ONLY NEED THE FIVE!” Then some Colonel started talking Like a comic-book command: “With great power comes great responsibility—” Gunny raised his sharpened hand. Looked around at all that hardware, Then he grinned from ear to ear: “RESPONSIBILITY CAN WAIT— THERE'S A FUCKING TANK RIGHT HERE!” [Chorus] KNIFE-HAND MAN! KNIFE-HAND MAN! Cut it up because he can! Armor plate don't stand a chance Against that government-issued hand! Left or right, Near or far, Better hide your fucking car! Great responsibility? THAT WAS NEVER IN THE PLAN! KNIFE-HAND MAN! [Verse 4] But every gift becomes a burden, Gunny learned that lesson fast, Can't shake hands at retirement— Unless somebody wants one less. Can't high-five the fucking Sergeant, Can't reach blindly for his keys, Can't swat mosquitoes on his neck— WITHOUT A MEDICAL EMERGENCY! Then the Captain crossed the lot, Gunny saw those silver bars, Muscle memory raised his arm— Every Marine dove behind the cars. Gunny stopped it halfway upward, Sweating bullets where he'd stand, Nearly made Marine Core history— FIRST OFFICER KILLED BY KNIFE-HAND MAN! [Verse 5] Eventually Gunny retired, Put away the uniform, Thought his cutting days were over, Thought his life was finally normal. Then his wife brought home a package Wrapped in forty miles of tape, Scissors bent and kitchen knife broke— Gunny knew he'd found his place. Fingers straightened. Thumb went sideways. One smooth motion of the hand. That box opened like a zipper— SHE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD THE MAN. Now the neighbors bring their packages, Christmas wrapping, rope and cans, Twenty bucks and he'll take care of it— RETIREMENT'S GOOD FOR KNIFE-HAND MAN! [Final Chorus] KNIFE-HAND MAN! KNIFE-HAND MAN! Cuts through anything he can! Used to terrorize the barracks, Now he's got a business plan! Left or right, Near or far, Don't bring scissors—bring your car! Wolverine can keep his claws— GUNNY'S GOT THE BETTER HAND! KNIFE-HAND MAN! Fingers straight! KNIFE-HAND MAN! Thumb in tight! KNIFE-HAND MAN! Something needs cutting? GUNNY'S WORKING LATE TONIGHT! [Outro — main riff returns] Some men retire quietly. Some men buy some land. Some men spend their golden years... CUTTING SHIT WITH THEIR FUCKING HANDS! KNIFE! HAND! MAN! [Final chord]
