Intro – Male 1, spoken/snapped] I can not stand bad design— [Female, cutting in] Could not shut up about it. [Verse 1] [Male 1] Why’s there a Netflix button burned into my remote? [Male 2, overlapping] One out of fifty-four— one out of fifty-four— [Female] Like that changed the boat. [Male 1] And what’s with the 49 buttons I will never ever need? [Female, sharp] Menu. [Male 2] Up. [Female] Down. [All, stabbing rhythm] OK — that’s all i need [Male 1] How’d the Apple TV remote go from perfect to deranged? [Female] A masterpiece of scrolling hell— [Male 2] Who approved this experimental piece of crap?! [All overlap, chaotic] Scroll too far / click too hard / wrong damn show / restart card / touch too much / swipe too slick / elegant little piece of SHIT [Pre-Chorus] [Female] Why do I tell my parking app I’m leaving when it knows? [Male 1] Why do I tell it I arrived? [Male 2] It watched me from the road! [Female] Why do I pay in prophecy— guessing how long I’ll stay? [All, rising and overlapping] You know when I came! You know when I left! You know every second of my day! [CHORUS – BIGGER / LOUDER / SHOUTED] [ALL – full volume] WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE FUNCTIONAL DESIGN?! THE TECH IS HERE — THE DESIGN IS PAINFULLY WRONG! HOW ABOUT TRYING IT ONCE BEFORE YOU DECIDE? DID YOU HIRE A CLOWN?? IT'S A TERRIBLE DESIGN! [Female over the top] Try it! Try it! Try it! [Male 1 + Male 2] Use it once! Use it once! [muttering] Dumbasses... [Verse 2] [Male 2] Another iPhone update, wow— another polished lie. [Female, mocking] I’ve had this thing for twenty years and somehow still ask why. [Male 1] It started looking primitive, then called itself “refined”— [Male 2] Then ten years later “icon in icon”— [Female, sneering] Repackaged, redesigned. [All, syncopated overlap] Same old square / newer square / nested square / modern flair / thirty-four years later and we’re still pretending this is rare. [Male 1] Windows 3 point something already did this clown parade. [Female] You wrapped the old in glossy glass— [Male 2] And called it “future-made.” [Bridge – tense / half-time / meaner] [Male 1] What’s up with Ctrl-Alt-Delete? [Male 2] A ritual of pain. [Female] Why do I need both of my hands to enter my domain? [Male 1] My own machine— [Male 2] My own damn file— [Female] My own pathetic sphere— [All, building anger] [ALL – louder] GET A GRIP AND DO IT RIGHT OR LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE! IF IT TAKES THREE MEN AND BOTH MY HANDS THEN IT NEVER SHOULD’VE BEEN THOUGHT OF! You’ve had it since nineteen eighty-one— and we are still stuck here?! [Overlapping chaos section] [Female] Fix it! [Male 1] Test it! [Male 2] Ship less! [Female] Think first! [Male 1] One job! [Male 2] No excuse! [ALL] WHY IS EVERYTHING DESIGNED ABUSE?! [FINAL CHORUS – BIGGEST] [ALL – full volume] WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE FUNCTIONAL DESIGN?! THE TECH IS HERE — THE DESIGN IS PAINFULLY WRONG! HOW ABOUT TRYING IT ONCE BEFORE YOU DECIDE? DID YOU HIRE A CLOWN?? IT'S A TERRIBLE DESIGN! [Female over top] Intuitive?! Intuitive?! [Male 1 + Male 2] Are you insane you bloody son of pickled eggnog!! [ALL] GET A GRIP AND DO IT RIGHT OR LEAVE IT TO SOMEONE BRIGHT IF THE USER HAS TO FIGHT THE TOOL THEN THE TOOL’S THE GODDAMN NIGHT-MAAAAAARE! [Outro – chaotic repeat / gang vocal] [All, overlapping and collapsing] Bad design! Bad design! Bad design! Bad design! [Female, final cut] You had the tech— [Male 1] You missed the point— [Male 2] You dressed up failure— [ALL] AND SOLD DISAPPOINTMENT!
