Citizens... Check your watches. We are crossing the threshold. The automatic doors part... like the gates of Hades. Breath in... Do you smell it? That is the scent of ozone... floor polish... and desperation. We are in... The Supermarket. Keep your head down. Do not look at the special offers near the door. They are sirens... designed to wreck your ship before you even leave the harbor. Grab a trolley. Check the wheels. If it drifts to the left... abandon it. A soldier cannot fight with a defective weapon. The Mission Plan. Stick to the walls. The Perimeter is where the life is. The Fruit... The Vegetables... The Meat Counter... The Bakery. This is where the food lives. Do not... I repeat... Do not enter the Center Aisles. The Center is the Dead Zone. It is a canyon of cardboard boxes... jars of grey sauce... and sugar disguised as happiness. If you must enter... for cleaning products or tea... move fast. Do not make eye contact with the mascots on the cereal boxes. They are lying to you. Now... The Liability. You have brought a recruit....A spouse... a child... a friend. Watch them. Their eyes are glazing over. They are reaching for the "Buy One Get One Free" multipack of crisps... Slap their hand away. "But it is a bargain," they say. It is not a bargain, citizen... It is a trap. You did not come here for twenty-four bags of spicy air. You came for Potatoes. Corral them. Use the trolley as a sheepdog uses its body. Keep them moving. The Battlefield Etiquette. You are in the narrow pass of the Pasta Aisle. Another trolley approaches. Do not hesitate. Make eye contact, establish dominance. But be polite. A curt nod. If they park their trolley across the aisle to look at the lentils... They are blocking the supply line. A firm "Excuse me" is your warning shot. Ramming speed... is authorized if they do not move within three seconds. The Final Blockade. The Checkout. Choose your line wisely. Look at the conveyor belts. Avoid the person paying with copper coins. Avoid the person arguing about a coupon from 1994. Load the belt with military precision. Heavy items first. Fragile items last. Do not let the bread be crushed by the pumpkins. Watch the cashier. Greet them. They are prisoners of war in this place. But watch the screen. Ensure the price is true. The doors open. The cool night air hits your face. We are out. Check the receipt. Load the chariot, feed the horses... We survive to cook another day. Drive. Carry on.
