[Verse 1] Well I woke up this morning, the bulb was burnt out Eight feet up on the ceiling, I had my doubts So I consulted the manual, section one through seven ‘Cause God forbid I just twist it like a normal heathen [Pre-Chorus] It said “Operator” — that’s me, I guess With my personal protective equipment and existential stress [Chorus] This is the Operating Manual For the removal and replacement of an incandescent illumination device! Disengage the power source, verify de-energization Then ascend the ladder with three points of contact, that’s nice! [Verse 2] Step one: don the gloves, non-slip shoes on my feet Safety goggles optional, but liability’s a beast Position the ladder, make sure it’s stable and true ‘Cause if I fall and break my neck, the manual warned me not to [Verse 3] Grasp the bulb with dominant hand — counter-clockwise rotation Do not apply excessive force or cause bulb fragmentation Lower gently, dispose properly, do not throw it in the trash Or the Environmental Protection Agency will whip your ass [Chorus] This is the Operating Manual For the removal and replacement of an incandescent illumination device! Align the threads, clockwise motion, firm but gentle pressure Until you feel resistance — that’s the moment of pure pleasure! [Bridge] [spoken over slow ominous music, then building] Do not operate while under the influence… Of alcohol, controlled substances, or crippling existential dread… The Operator shall bear full responsibility For any personal injury, property damage, or mild inconvenience… [Final Chorus] [louder, triumphant] Now reactivate the power source, observe illumination! If it lights up, congratulations — you followed the procedure! If it doesn’t… consult Appendix C, subsection 4.2 And start the whole damn process over again! [Outro] [slow, defeated] Eight feet… one bulb… Why did we do this to ourselves? Operating… Manual… [fade out with the sound of a circuit breaker and distant sobbing]
