Dear Diary…

I got my first Brazilian wax today… (today…) I didn’t want to do it, boys, I was afray-ayade… But when it was finally over I can honestly say GUYS, I WOULDN’T WISH THAT ON MY WORST ENEMAY! [instrumental buildup] A stranger put her fingers where my girl can’t even touch Her hot, sticky wax was like napalm on my bush But that was the nice part, after that not so much SHE VIOLENTLY EXTRICATED THE FOLLICLES FROM MY CROTCH AND MY TUSH! [chorus] Babe, you promised it wasn’t gonna be so bad, (so bad) But I should have known there’s no nice way to rip the hair off my nads I thought I hated Nair, but Lord I’d beg for it back If I knew I’d get combat PTSD from a Brazilian wax (Ow) Touch me gentle please there Oh gentle please there I know there’s lots of hair A lot. Of. Hair. Ma’am I did nothing to you, this isn’t fair Oh God no, please n—no [violent screaming] AHHHHHHHH! [chorus] Babe, you promised it wasn’t gonna be so bad, (so bad) But I should have known there’s no nice way to rip the hair off my nads I thought I hated Nair, but Lord I’d beg for it back If I knew I’d get combat PTSD from a Brazilian wax (Ow) [chorus] Babe, you promised it wasn’t gonna be so bad, (so bad) But I should have known there’s no nice way to rip the hair off my nads I thought I hated Nair, but Lord I’d beg for it back If I knew I’d get combat PTSD from a Brazilian wax (Ow) [screaming] What did I do to deserve this act of hatred This violent retribution against a spot so sacred Now I lay here looking like a fowl plucked clean This is the worst ever way to release dopamine Next time why don’t you just put a bullet in my skull I never want to sink this deep again into this hole I can’t sleep I can’t eat I’m just starin’ at a wall My magnificent garden is now but a memorial ingrown [chorus] Babe, you promised it wasn’t gonna be so bad, (so bad) But I should have known there’s no nice way to rip the hair off my nads I thought I hated Nair, but Lord I’d beg for it back If I knew I’d get combat PTSD from a Brazilian wax