Chuck Norris doesn’t have a birthday. He has always existed. And if a date ever appears on the calendar, it celebrates him. Chuck Norris actually died ten years ago. Death just hasn’t found the courage to tell him yet. The Grim Reaper fears the day Chuck Norris knocks on his door. And when God said, “Let there be light,” Chuck Norris replied, “Say please.” In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked that nothing and told it to get a job. That’s how the universe began. And if it’s still expanding — it’s just trying to get away from him. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice. He knows the last digit of Pi. He can sort black markers by color. He can sit in the corner of a round room. He can slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris runs 100 meters in one second. He knows a shortcut. He’s so fast that when he turns off the light, he’s in bed before the room gets dark. He doesn’t run. He arrives. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is. He doesn’t aim. He hits. If you race him alone — you’ll finish third. His phone battery has been dead for three months. It’s just too afraid to shut down. His car doesn’t need gas — it runs on respect. When he does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up. He pushes the world down. Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on. Not because he’s afraid of the dark — but because the dark is afraid of him. He doesn’t cast a shadow. The wall just wants to look like him. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Voldemort calls him “You-Know-Who.” When Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once got into a knife fight. The knife lost. He was bitten by a king cobra. After five painful days, the cobra died. Chuck Norris doesn’t lie. Truth is simply mistaken. There is no theory of evolution — only a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. And if you’re still wondering whether any of this is true… Chuck Norris doesn’t need proof. Reality needs him.
