[INTRO — dungeon ambience, dusty organ, low bass groove] [BOSS — spoken] Okay. So just to clarify— You entered through a locked door. Killed my guards. Looted my pantry. And somehow I'm the villain? [Beat drops] [VERSE 1 — dry, conversational flow] I had a castle, little drafty, little cursed, Nothing fancy, but I swear I had it first. Couple gargoyles by the gate, tasteful decor, One tasteful skull chandelier—maybe four. Then here you come with your morally gray crew, Paladin up front like, "We're here to rescue who?" Wizard checking books that were not for sale, Rogue already halfway through opening my mail. You kicked down doors like the deed had your name, Set three rooms on fire, then complained 'bout the flame. Found my wine cellar, drank every red, Killed Gerald the mimic. He was basically a bed. [HOOK — gang vocals] YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE! Then called it a quest! YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE! And stole from my chest! You smashed all my statues, You scared all my bats— Then took my family crypt And said, "Cool map." [VERSE 2 — funkier, more animated] You call it "clearing rooms," I call it losing staff. You call it "finding loot," I call it taking half. You found my hidden vault Behind a puzzle door, Solved it with a maul By breaking through the floor. The cleric blessed the hallway, The bard seduced my cook, The ranger shot my owl For "giving him a look." Then somebody shouted, "Check him for a key!" I WASN'T EVEN DEAD YET. CAN I GET PRIVACY? [HOOK] YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE! Then called it a quest! YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE! And stole from my chest! You smashed all my statues, You scared all my bats— Then took my family crypt And said, "Cool map." [BREAK — beat strips down, dungeon synth] [BOSS — spoken] And another thing— Stop licking the walls. There is no secret door there. [Pause] There wasn't. [Wall crashes] Oh, come on. [VERSE 3 — faster, increasingly exasperated] Now the fighter's wearing armor From my grandfather's tomb, The monk's doing backflips In the sacrificial room. Sorcerer's pocketing candles, Barbarian took my chair, Druid turned into a rat Just to see what's over there. You interrogate goblins, Then rob every crate, Then spend twenty minutes Arguing alignment at the gate. "Are we still the good guys?" Buddy, here's a clue: You killed six people Trying to stop you From getting through. [BRIDGE — mock-dramatic orchestral swell] I filed complaints with the kingdom, The guild said, "Adventurers, huh?" The watch took one look at the bounty— And joined you. [Beat returns] So fine. You want a boss fight? Let's have one. [FINAL HOOK — huge brass, gang vocals] YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE! SO NOW I'M PISSED! YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE! AND YOU'RE ON MY LIST! You stole all my treasure, You wrecked every room— So congratulations, heroes— [Beat drops out] I'M YOUR ENCOUNTER NOW. [FINAL VERSE — hard, confident] No monologue. No warning. No glowing red phase. No obvious crystal That shuts down the rays. No giant weak point, No lever to pull— I read your character sheets. I know all your bullshit. [Beat slams back] Paladin? No smite range. Wizard? Counterspell. Rogue? Truesight. Barbarian? [Pause] Okay, honestly, that's still a problem. [FINAL HOOK — full ensemble] YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE! Then called it a quest! YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE! Now deal with the rest! No treasure, no shortcut, No convenient stairs— Just me and the monsters WHO ACTUALLY LIVE HERE! [OUTRO — music drops to dusty organ] [BOSS — spoken] Also— Put the chair back. [BARBARIAN — distant] No. [BOSS] I hate adventurers. [END]
