[Intro – fast dirty guitar riff, punchy drums] [Verse 1 – rapid conversational female punk vocal] Called you up to kill ten minutes, Asked how last night went, you said, “Don't get me started.” Too late. I'm invested. So what did she do? You say, “Nothing really.” Oh, come off it, that's never fucking true. Was she doing that thing where she talks through her teeth? That weird little smile like she's granting you peace? And another thing— the way she fucking chews— [Brief stop] You go: “Erm...” What? “You're on speaker.” [Long instrumental pause] [Female vocal] Since when? [Beat returns] “Since hello.” [Pre-Chorus – rapidly building panic] Since HELLO?! That's information you lead with! That's not a fun detail you reveal halfway in! Was she there when I said— [Pause] Actually, don't answer that. [Shouted] I KNOW SHE FUCKING WAS! [Chorus – explosive melodic punk vocal] YOU'RE ON SPEAKER?! COULD'VE FUCKING LED WITH THAT! YOU'RE ON SPEAKER?! BIT FUCKING LATE FOR THAT! I've said six things I wouldn't say to her face— [Female vocal – reconsidering] Well... five. Maybe four. [Shouted] THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT! [Instrumental – frantic jagged guitar] [Verse 2 – extremely fast flustered delivery] Okay. Damage control. Hi! Didn't know you were there. Obviously. Lovely surprise. Everything I said was taken out of— No. Can't use context. Context makes it worse. The chewing thing? Observation. Not criticism. Everyone chews. Some people just... [Brief stop] do it more visibly. [Female vocal] Fuck. Abort that. Your smile is lovely! Not the weird one. The other one. [Pause] Jesus Christ. Why am I still talking? [Fast Shout-Punk] STOP DIGGING! DROP THE PHONE! FAKE A TUNNEL! LEAVE THE COUNTRY! CHANGE YOUR NAME! BURN THE SIM! [Female vocal] Any of those would've been smarter than this. [Chorus – bigger] YOU'RE ON SPEAKER?! COULD'VE FUCKING LED WITH THAT! YOU'RE ON SPEAKER?! THERE'S A PROTOCOL FOR THAT! You say “Just so you know, I've got someone here”— [Shouted] BEFORE I START DESTROYING THEIR FUCKING CHARACTER! [Instrumental Break – fast drums, bouncing bass, angular guitar] [Bridge – rhythm pulls back, sung with dry restraint] Then she finally says: “It's fine. I don't mind.” [Pause] [Female vocal] Oh, brilliant. Somehow that's worse. Because “I don't mind” never means “I don't mind.” It means: “I've memorised this conversation and one day you will fucking pay.” [Drums build] So I do the mature thing. Change the subject. “How's work?” [Pause] She says: “You called my boss a useless prick earlier.” [Female vocal] Ah. Forgot that bit. [Band crashes back] [Final Verse – rapid-fire punk delivery] RIGHT! NEW PLAN! NO MORE WORDS! EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE MAKES THIS FUCKING WORSE! I'M SORRY FOR THE CHEWING! NOT THAT YOU CHEW! I'M SORRY THAT I SAID IT! NOT THAT IT ISN'T TRUE— [Hard stop] [Female vocal] NOPE. No. Delete sentence. Start again. [Band resumes] I'm sorry I didn't know you were listening! [Pause] [Female vocal – realising] That's... actually not an apology either. [Shouted] FUCK IT! I'M SORRY! GENUINELY! CAN WE PLEASE PRETEND I DIED TEN MINUTES AGO?! [Final Chorus – huge playful punk vocal] YOU'RE ON SPEAKER?! COULD'VE FUCKING LED WITH THAT! YOU'RE ON SPEAKER?! I'D HAVE KEPT MY BIG MOUTH SHUT! Probably. Maybe. For a minute or two. [Shouted] BUT AT LEAST I'D HAVE HAD A FUCKING CHANCE! You're on speaker! Lesson fucking learned! [Brief stop] [Female vocal] Actually— are we still on speaker? [Pause] “Yeah.” [Female vocal] For fuck's sake. [Final guitar hit]
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