[Spoken intro, casual beat] Yo... So like— I been tryin’ to get my life together, right? Like eat kale, stretch more, manifest vibes— And then I got a Groupon. Mistake number one. [Verse 1] Signed up for yoga, it said “soul-aligning session” I'm like, bet, tryna get flexible, maybe pull less hamstrings when I’m sexin’ Pull up to the place, it’s a barn, kinda rustic Everybody wearin’ robes, I’m like, “Damn… this rustic must be the new rustic” I walk in, nobody talkin’, just breathin’ One dude in the back straight levitatin’, I’m like “Sheesh—y’all advanced with the teachin’” Lady hands me a drink, says “Sip this, awaken” I'm like, “Is this mushroom tea? Or am I about to see Satan?” Hook 1 (Spoken Word / Narration, Extended): “Okay, listen, I rolled up to class thinking ‘yoga vibes,’ Next thing I know, I’m sittin’ cross-legged in some cult tribe, They hand me a drink that tastes like a swamp with a kick, I’m tryin’ not to freak out but I’m pretty sure this ain’t legit. Some dude’s chanting loud, there’s incense and a goat, I just wanted to stretch my hamstrings, not sell my soul to a boat—wait, what? No man, I’m out—wait, can I leave? Door’s locked, they smiling all wide, This downward spiral’s got me feelin’ like I’m trapped on a cosmic ride.” [Verse 2] Day two, they take my phone—say it blocks divine connection I’m like, “Okay but like… I got an Amazon return pending, can I text ‘em?” Now I’m gettin’ real nervous, they got symbols carved in wood And one dude just renamed himself “Chakra Steve” from Brentwood They talkin’ ‘bout the Mothership, I’m like, “Is that a Tesla thing?” No, bro—actual spaceship. I’m not tryna get probed, I just wanted to stretch my hamstrings They say, “You’ve been chosen.” I’m like, “Nah I got Groupon Plus” They like, “Exactly.” And I’m like “Whaaaaat?” Hook 2 (Call-and-Response Chant, Extended): Leader: “Downward spiral, open your mind!” Group: “Downward spiral, leave stress behind!” David (skeptical): “Wait, you sure this is yoga? ‘Cause I’m feelin’ confined.” Group: “Downward spiral, release and unwind!” David (panicked): “I came here to stretch, not for this cult grind!” Group: “Downward spiral, your soul we’ll find!” David (exasperated): “Bro, I just want downward dog, not this brain unwind.” Group: “Downward spiral… embrace the sign.” [Bridge – Spoken Word, fast-paced) Now I’m tryna dip, right? But the door’s got two guards — not buff, just like emotionally intense. They’re like, “David… the universe guided you here.” I’m like “No, bro, Google Maps did.” They like, “We know you’re scared… let the cosmic lotus bloom inside you.” I’m like, “I have IBS, I’m tryin’ to bloom less, respectfully.” [Final Verse] Finally escaped, ran a mile in flip flops Called my boy Mike, like “Yo dawg, cult life sucks” He like “Duh, bruh, I told you don’t mess with barns” I’m like “Facts, next time I stretch, I’m doin’ it at Planet Fitness… with the lunk alarm.” [Outro Hook – Spoken Softly, reflective tone] Downward spiral, but I came out bendin’ wiser Now I vet every vibe, even if the font is cursive on the flyer Namaste? Nah bruh, Namas-leave.
