[Verse 1] I want the stupid kind of love The can't-keep-our-hands-off kind Someone I still want naked After knowing them a long damn time I want passion, I want comfort I want somebody on my side A best friend with a filthy mouth Who's still there when I'm sixty-five I don't think that's unreasonable I've got plenty I can give But the men I meet keep treating Basic standards like a bit [Pre-Chorus] I used to wonder if we'd click If he'd make me laugh in bed Now I'm thinking maybe first I should check for warrants instead [Chorus] I want love, I want devotion I want hot sex and a life I want somebody fucking thrilled To eventually call me his wife But every time I meet somebody There's a detail they forgot: A girlfriend or an indictment Or a felony involving a bomb I keep looking for a soulmate They keep giving me a case number Apparently the dating pool Is somewhat overrepresented By repeat offenders [Verse 2] Ten years on and off with someone Who could vanish like a ghost I kept loving him through all of it Which says some things about us both Then he landed himself in jail And I paid to get him out He disappeared again immediately You have to admire the follow-through Next came the musician-mechanic Which sounded promising enough Till I realized every minor setback Was apparently catastrophically tough So I ended it because the whining Had exhausted my goodwill Then I learned he'd also cheated Nice to know he had hobbies still [Pre-Chorus] At this point emotional baggage Would be kind of a relief Show me mommy issues, commitment fears Anything without police [Chorus] I want love, I want devotion I want hot sex and a life I want somebody fucking thrilled To eventually call me his wife But every time I meet somebody There's a detail they forgot: Another woman, pending charges, Or a felony involving a bomb I keep looking for a soulmate They keep giving me a case number Apparently the dating pool Is somewhat overrepresented By repeat offenders [Verse 3] Then I fell in love with someone Nine whole time zones away Nothing criminal or terrible He just didn't feel the same We stayed friends, I went to Denmark Crossed an ocean anyway Turns out sometimes no one's awful And you still come home alone So I downloaded the apps again Because I never fucking learn Met a guy who casually mentioned He'd just recently returned From incarceration for a fake bomb Which feels relevant on a date Then I found pep in his bathroom After we'd already gotten laid Protected, thank fucking God But disclosure would've been nice There are things I'd like to know Before somebody gets inside [Breakdown] And then last week Tinder offered: "I just got out for bank robbery. I want to blow smoke and toss salad." ... You know what? Maybe women. [Verse 4] Women have always been an option That's not really something new There's attraction, there's potential There are several things I'd like to do But a man can think I'm awkward And I'll probably sleep just fine If a beautiful woman thinks I'm stupid I'll remember it until I die So now I've found a brand-new problem: I might actually give a shit I've survived ghosts and cheats and felons Can I survive a woman's judgment? [Final Chorus] I want love, I want devotion I want hot sex and a life I want somebody fucking thrilled To wake up with me every night I want boring little problems Like whose family gets Christmas I want fights about the thermostat Not undisclosed convictions I keep looking for a soulmate I'm still stupid enough to try Just somebody hot and funny Who is kind and likes me back And ideally— [Outro] No active warrants. No secret girlfriend. No undisclosed sexual-health information. No explosives. The bar is in hell. Somebody brought a shovel.
