[DJ Voice – overly optimistic, cheap champagne pop, off-key “Auld Lang Syne” looping under everything] “It’s a new year, America. New goals. New you. Same unresolved issues. Ring in the year with Mattress Barn—where fresh starts begin… horizontally. Buy one, get one half-off, because nothing says ‘new beginnings’ like sleeping six inches away from the past.” ⸻ [Verse 1 – Doris, exhausted, holding a party horn she forgot to blow] “Um… hi. It’s Doris. It’s… the new year. People are… trying again. We have mattresses… for resolutions… that won’t last. Firm… soft… emotionally distant. …Mattress Barn.” ⸻ [Verse 1b – Moira, sparkly top, reading off a crumpled countdown list] “Like, hi. New year, new sleep. These mattresses are totally clean-slate vibes. Memory foam that remembers you— but not your mistakes. Buy one, get one half-off. Which is basically manifesting abundance.” ⸻ [Chorus – Doris & Moira, clashing but committed] “Mattress Barn, Lay down last year’s pain. Mattress Barn, New sheets, same refrain. Fresh starts fade by February fast, Sleep it off… forget the past.” ⸻ [Verse 2 – Doris, whispering like a confession] “We’re open… January first. Yes… even if you’re hungover. People come in crying… about midnight kisses… or lack thereof. We don’t judge. We just… upsell.” ⸻ [Verse 2b – Moira, deadpan optimism] “So whether you blacked out or cried at 11:47, we’ve got you. Twin, queen, king— or ‘I need my own space now’ size. New year, same floor model.” ⸻ [Verse 2½ – Gary, off-mic, yelling from outside; truck trying and failing to start] “Hey—uh—Doris? The truck almost started. I think it’s the cold. Or the battery. Or… honestly, it might be me. I can do delivery if nobody needs stairs. Or corners. Or hope. I’ll be back in, like… ten minutes. Or spring.” ⸻ [Aside – Doris, quietly, without looking up] “…That’s Gary.” ⸻ [Moira, instantly back into sales mode] “Gary’s super reliable. Emotionally? No. Mechanically? Also no. But spiritually? Very present.” ⸻ [Bridge – Doris, hesitant honesty] “Some people swear… the mattresses absorb… intentions. Like ‘I’ll change.’ ‘I’ll call them back.’ ‘I won’t text after midnight.’ They don’t work.” ⸻ [Bridge – Moira, matter-of-fact] “But half-off still works.” ⸻ [Chorus – louder, sloppier, a little hopeful by accident] “Mattress Barn, Rest your regretful head. Mattress Barn, Last year’s finally dead. Countdown’s done, confetti’s gone, You’ll wake up… carry on.” ⸻ [Verse 3 – Doris, staring at a popped balloon on the showroom floor] “People nap in the showroom… waiting for motivation. We have water… and aspirins… not officially. But… we understand.” ⸻ [Verse 3b – Moira, faux-inspirational sincerity] “Sleep is self-care. You can totally reinvent yourself… after a nap. Everyone does.” ⸻ [Final Chorus – Doris & Moira, softer, resigned, almost kind] “Mattress Barn, New year, same you. Mattress Barn, We’ll get you through. Where fresh starts form… then quietly stall. Happy New Year… from Mattress Barn.” ⸻ [Outro – DJ Voice, fireworks fading into a financing disclaimer] “Mattress Barn. Now offering New Year financing—because resolutions fade, but payments don’t. Mattress Barn… sleep it off, America.”
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