I kept your letters in a drawer Like proof that something once survived A brittle archive of a fire I swore was taken by the night I cursed the silence when you left Like I was the one left behind But every memory comes back crooked When I hold it to the light And I hate the way I painted you in shadow Like your leaving was the wound that made me bleed But the more I dig, the more the picture sharpens You were dying while you were holding onto me Now your ghost doesn’t feel like longing It feels like evidence I made your love a courtroom And put your heart against the stand Turned every fear into an answer Every bruise into your hand I called it fighting for us You called it what it was I hear the truth beneath the static And it sounds too much like me And I hate the way I made you my disaster Like your breaking was some mercy I could need Now I see it in the cracks I kept assigning You were drowning while you were reaching out for me Now your ghost doesn’t feel like longing It feels like evidence If I call your name now Does it rot inside my mouth? If I say I loved you Does it mean anything now? I was never the survivor I was the fucking flood No saint No victim No alibi in what I did You broke Because I bent you Till there was nothing left to give FUCK! And I hate the way I needed you to hurt me Just to prove that I was something you could keep I was feeding on the fracture, calling it devotion You were bleeding while you were begging me for peace Now your ghost doesn’t feel like longing It wears the damage And the damage wore my face
