🦉The Green Owl (Duolingo Parody)

[Meta-Tags: Voice=Theatrical Expressive Baritone Vocals Tempo=Fast Dynamic 136 BPM Genre=Theatrical Dark Pop Cabaret Production=Crisp High Fidelity Studio Master] [Intro] [Phone Vibration SFX Fast Ticking Clock] [Spoken Word Sarcastic Automated Voice Over Subtle Creepy Piano Plucks] Oh so you are busy busy? Your French lessons will not take themselves! You made Duo sad. You have let Duo down. These reminders do not seem to be working. [Spoken Word Panicked German Voice] Wait... is an educational app breaking up with me?! I check the widget at eleven forty-five... He has completely liquefied into a toxic green puddle! His eyes are shooting red radioactive laser beams! The caption says: Do not let your streak become a memory! [Explosive Theatrical Cabaret Piano Full Band Upbeat Bouncy Rhythm] (He knows where I live!) (He is in the walls!) [Verse 1] It is eleven at night in my flat in Berlin And I need fifteen XP to secure a league win Do I open my French? No of course I do not! I go straight for the Dutch for a cowardly shot! I am German it is cheating it is practically free! "De man drinkt het water" are you kidding with me?! (So easy so easy!) I just swallow my vowels and replace S with a Z Coughing into my throat "lekker koffie" for me! Duolingo congratulates my linguistic brain: (You are a genius!) No Duo I am running from shame! [Verse 2] [Deadpan Low Synth Bass Sluggish Drum Beat] Because deep in my heart lies a terrible dread: My French tree is rotting and practically dead So I open the microphone ready to try And Lily appears with a dead heavy sigh Purple hair slouching back arms crossed on her chest Looking totally sick of this mortal request I say: "Bonjour Lily comment ca va?" [Spoken Word Monotone Bored Female Voice] ...Ugh. Quoi? I try once again: Je voudrais un croissant! [Spoken Word Monotone Bored Female Voice] J'ai rien compris. Articule un peu. Bref... Je m'en fous. [Pre-Chorus] [Rising Theatrical Tension Dynamic Orchestral Strings Snare Roll] The streak freeze is cracking the pressure is high! A single teardrop falls from the owl in the sky! He does not shout he does not scream He just systematically murders your self-esteem! [Chorus] [Bombastic Broadway Pop Full Brass Section Bouncy Piano Heavy Drums] And the green owl is watching! The green owl is sad! He is not even angry he is disappointed like Dad! (So disappointed!) His widget is weeping his feathers are gray! He said five little minutes could save you today! He knows where I live and he knows my IP! And French conjugation is hunting down me! [Verse 3] [Theatrical Tango Rhythm Dramatic Accordion Castanets Pompous Bass] To escape Lily apathy I sprint to the side Duolingo has Chess now a new place to hide! And who is my rival in velvet and tweed? It is Oscar the drama queen pompous indeed! He twirls his mustache with theatrical flair: [Spoken Word Pretentious Dramatic Male Voice] Oscar does not play chess. Oscar IS chess! He snatches my bishop and smirks with delight Hey put that piece down that was my mother's favorite piece! [Spoken Word Pretentious Dramatic Male Voice] Tragic! Bye buddy hope you find your king! Chomp! (He ate my piece!) He yells: Go off Queen! Su casa es tu casa! Oscar shut up stop advancing your pawns! I have sixty cold seconds before midnight dawns! [Instrumental Solo] [Virtuoso Theatrical Accordion And Ragtime Piano Duet Fast Staccato Runs] [Bridge] [Frantic Accelerating Ticking Clock Heavy Thumping Footsteps Ominous Strings] Eleven fifty-eight! (Tick-tock tick-tock!) French subjunctive? Too late! Lily microphone? Closed! Oscar bishop? Checkmate! The flames on the phone are turning dark blue! There is heavy loud knocking on door thirty-two! Is that a six-foot bird in a trench coat out there?! (Did you practice your French?!) Spare my family I swear! [Chorus] [Grand Maximalist Finale Huge Choir Punchy Brass Driving Piano Stabs] The green owl is watching! The green owl is sad! He is not even angry he is disappointed like Dad! (So disappointed!) His widget is weeping his feathers are gray! He said five little minutes could save you today! He knows where I live and he knows my IP! And French conjugation is hunting down me! [Outro] [Frantic Rushing Piano Accelerating To The Final Second] Eleven fifty-nine! Fastest fingers in Germany! Forfeit the French! Forfeit against Oscar! Bye Lily! Open Dutch Section One! Tap: Het brood is lekker! [Spoken Word Monotone Bored Female Voice] ...Lame. [Spoken Word Pretentious Male Voice] KING WENT BOOM?! Bad manners! I demand a rematch! [Spoken Word Whispered Duolingo Owl Voice] See you tomorrow. Or else. [Fade-Out to End] [End]