[Verse 1 — fast thrash vocals] Went out to the forest on a freezing Autumn day, A chainsaw in my mittens, what could possibly go cray? I found the perfect evergreen, majestic, tall, and stout— I chopped it down and strapped it tight, then proudly drove it out! [Pre-Chorus — shouted] Didn’t know… oh didn’t know… I was dragging home a liquid hell below! [Chorus — gang vocals, comedic rage] PISSMAS TREE! Stinking up the halls with its pungent legacy! PISSMAS TREE! Foxes marked it proudly like their golden property! PISSMAS TREE! Now my whole damn house reeks catastrophically— Merry Christmas… to ME! [Verse 2 — fast & frantic] I set it by the fireplace, the needles start to thaw… A rank and feral vapor hit me square upon the jaw! My eyes began to water, my soul began to leave— That wasn’t Christmas spirit, that was fox pee turning steam! [Pre-Chorus — shouted] Should’ve checked… should’ve checked… All the spots those furry demons wrecked! [Chorus — gang vocals] PISSMAS TREE! Stinking up the halls with its pungent legacy! PISSMAS TREE! Foxes marked it proudly like their golden property! PISSMAS TREE! Now my whole damn house reeks catastrophically— Merry Christmas… to ME! [Bridge — spoken/shouted, dramatic] I chucked it off the balcony! I threw it in the trash! But the scent remains forever— Clinging like a toxic splash! No candles, sprays, or incense sticks— Can stop this yuletide stench of doom! Fox urine is eternal… It haunts my every room! [Final Chorus — bigger, louder, stupidly triumphant] PISSMAS TREE! A holiday disaster and a nasal tragedy! PISSMAS TREE! Foxes crowned it king of foul biology! PISSMAS TREE! Guess this year my present is olfactory misery— MERRY—CHRISTMAS—TO—MEEEEEEEE! PISSMAS TREE!
