Mistletoe Spice

hyper Christmas caroling, hyper sleigh bells, sassy female, clear vocals, spitfire vocals, goofy

[sleighbells go WAY too hard]

[Verse 1 – long, spiraling, snowball avalanche]
The mistletoe situation started normal, okay?
I thought:
“Wouldn’t it be cute if one doorway was mildly suggestive and festive?”
Well, turns out I have no moderation, never have, never will.
So I hung thirty-seven mistletoes.
Strategically.
In zones.
There’s a Kissing Checkpoint between the kitchen and the stairs.
There is a Tollbooth Kiss before you can touch the fridge.
And the living room is now a romantic minefield, do NOT take diagonal routes.

Aunt Cindy tried to go get her coat
and ended up kissing the DOG.
The dog is now her boyfriend.
We support their journey.

Meanwhile, I iced sugar cookies shaped like cryptids,
because if Santa can be real
so can Mothman
get with the program.

I told my little cousin the Elf on the Shelf has a second job
as a government informant
and now he won’t stop saluting it.

Things are going great, thanks for asking.

[Pre-Chorus – defensive, but lying]
I am NOT causing problems intentionally.
The problems are causing me.
I am simply vibing at a high velocity.

[Chorus – shouted like a holiday riot]
MISTLETOE SPICE, JINGLE ALL FIGHT
WE RUN THROUGH THE HALLS LIKE IT’S SLEIGH RACING NIGHT
CANDY CANE SHANKS, GINGERBREAD PRANKS
WE’RE SINGING CAROLS LIKE WE’RE ROBBING SOME BANKS
MISTLETOE SPICE, I’M GLOWING SO BRIGHT
I SWALLOWED A STRING OF THE TREE LIGHTS
BABY IF YOU KISS ME YOU BETTER HOLD TIGHT
CAUSE I’M TROUBLE IN TINSEL AND I BITE

[Post-Chorus – unhinged little giggle]
heeeEHEHEHEHE
come here

[Verse 2 – extended, physically dangerous]
So the snow in the living room?
Yeah… okay listen.
We were out of fake snow.
So I improvised.
And by improvised I mean I dumped five family-sized boxes of instant mashed potatoes into a box fan.
The environment was transformed.
The carpet now has the texture of rural Idaho.
Mom is upset but also slightly impressed.
It’s complicated.

Then I built a sled out of cookie sheets, no screws, just hope and bad science.
I positioned it at the top of the stairs,
everyone screamed “NO—DON’T—STOP—WAIT—RAMBLE—“
and I said
“if Santa stops at every warning, nobody gets presents. Remember that.”
Then I launched.

Physics said absolutely not
but adrenaline said YES BABYYYYY
I flipped
I spun
I might have invented holiday parkour
I will be accepting sponsorships shortly.

Also, I may or may not have tried to “decorate the cat”
with a bow
and a bell
and a micro-sized Santa coat.
The cat retaliated.
We are equals now.

[Pre-Chorus – whispered like a supervillain planning]
If the ornaments fall
they fall with purpose.

[Chorus – louder, anthem of festive chaos]
MISTLETOE SPICE, JINGLE ALL FIGHT
HOLIDAY ENERGY, UNSTABLE DELIGHT
COCOA IN BUCKETS, CIDER IN VATS
IF YOU CAN’T FIND THE TREE I PROBABLY HID IT OUT BACK
MISTLETOE SPICE, HOLD ON REAL TIGHT
I’M SANTA’S UNPAID INTERN OF CHAOTIC MIGHT
THE REINDEER SAID THEY LIKE MY VIBE
SO THEY LET ME DRIVE TONIGHT

[Bridge – emotional but still feral]
I know it’s messy
I know it’s loud
I know I break more things than I fix
But I just love the lights
the warmth
the laughter
and the sugar
and the everything
I love Christmas like it’s survival
Like it’s magic that only works if I pour everything in
So yeah
I scream
I crash
I glitter
I chaos
But I mean it
I mean all of it

[Breakdown – spoken, intense]
Now someone help me find the oven
I think it’s…
oh no.
Oh no no no no
RUN—

[Final Chorus – full unhinged scream celebration]
MISTLETOE SPICE, THIS IS OUR NIGHT
WE’RE A FESTIVE DISASTER IN FAIRY LIGHTS
CHAOS AND CHEER AND PURE DELIGHT
MERRY MISCHIEF TO ALL AND TO ALL
A GOOD FIGHT!!!

[Outro – panting]
okay
I need water
and like
a nap
and maybe
legal counsel

3898/7500

[Intro – already mid-chaos] So I woke up wearing three scarves, holding a spatula, and there was a crowd outside my room chanting “do not enable her.” Guess what I did? I Enabled me. Cue the sleighbells LET’S GOOOO [sleighbells go WAY too hard] [Verse 1 – long, spiraling, snowball avalanche] The mistletoe situation started normal, okay? I thought: “Wouldn’t it be cute if one doorway was mildly suggestive and festive?” Well, turns out I have no moderation, never have, never will. So I hung thirty-seven mistletoes. Strategically. In zones. There’s a Kissing Checkpoint between the kitchen and the stairs. There is a Tollbooth Kiss before you can touch the fridge. And the living room is now a romantic minefield, do NOT take diagonal routes. Aunt Cindy tried to go get her coat and ended up kissing the DOG. The dog is now her boyfriend. We support their journey. Meanwhile, I iced sugar cookies shaped like cryptids, because if Santa can be real so can Mothman get with the program. I told my little cousin the Elf on the Shelf has a second job as a government informant and now he won’t stop saluting it. Things are going great, thanks for asking. [Pre-Chorus – defensive, but lying] I am NOT causing problems intentionally. The problems are causing me. I am simply vibing at a high velocity. [Chorus – shouted like a holiday riot] MISTLETOE SPICE, JINGLE ALL FIGHT WE RUN THROUGH THE HALLS LIKE IT’S SLEIGH RACING NIGHT CANDY CANE SHANKS, GINGERBREAD PRANKS WE’RE SINGING CAROLS LIKE WE’RE ROBBING SOME BANKS MISTLETOE SPICE, I’M GLOWING SO BRIGHT I SWALLOWED A STRING OF THE TREE LIGHTS BABY IF YOU KISS ME YOU BETTER HOLD TIGHT CAUSE I’M TROUBLE IN TINSEL AND I BITE [Post-Chorus – unhinged little giggle] heeeEHEHEHEHE come here [Verse 2 – extended, physically dangerous] So the snow in the living room? Yeah… okay listen. We were out of fake snow. So I improvised. And by improvised I mean I dumped five family-sized boxes of instant mashed potatoes into a box fan. The environment was transformed. The carpet now has the texture of rural Idaho. Mom is upset but also slightly impressed. It’s complicated. Then I built a sled out of cookie sheets, no screws, just hope and bad science. I positioned it at the top of the stairs, everyone screamed “NO—DON’T—STOP—WAIT—RAMBLE—“ and I said “if Santa stops at every warning, nobody gets presents. Remember that.” Then I launched. Physics said absolutely not but adrenaline said YES BABYYYYY I flipped I spun I might have invented holiday parkour I will be accepting sponsorships shortly. Also, I may or may not have tried to “decorate the cat” with a bow and a bell and a micro-sized Santa coat. The cat retaliated. We are equals now. [Pre-Chorus – whispered like a supervillain planning] If the ornaments fall they fall with purpose. [Chorus – louder, anthem of festive chaos] MISTLETOE SPICE, JINGLE ALL FIGHT HOLIDAY ENERGY, UNSTABLE DELIGHT COCOA IN BUCKETS, CIDER IN VATS IF YOU CAN’T FIND THE TREE I PROBABLY HID IT OUT BACK MISTLETOE SPICE, HOLD ON REAL TIGHT I’M SANTA’S UNPAID INTERN OF CHAOTIC MIGHT THE REINDEER SAID THEY LIKE MY VIBE SO THEY LET ME DRIVE TONIGHT [Bridge – emotional but still feral] I know it’s messy I know it’s loud I know I break more things than I fix But I just love the lights the warmth the laughter and the sugar and the everything I love Christmas like it’s survival Like it’s magic that only works if I pour everything in So yeah I scream I crash I glitter I chaos But I mean it I mean all of it [Breakdown – spoken, intense] Now someone help me find the oven I think it’s… oh no. Oh no no no no RUN— [Final Chorus – full unhinged scream celebration] MISTLETOE SPICE, THIS IS OUR NIGHT WE’RE A FESTIVE DISASTER IN FAIRY LIGHTS CHAOS AND CHEER AND PURE DELIGHT MERRY MISCHIEF TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD FIGHT!!! [Outro – panting] okay I need water and like a nap and maybe legal counsel

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