SPLINTERLANDS PACK OPENING ADDICTION HOTLINE

[SFX Soft, calming hold‑music… abruptly replaced by the sound of a pack opening] COUNSELOR (gentle, soothing) Welcome to the Splinterlands Pack Opening Addiction Hotline. If you’ve opened more than 50 packs today, press 1. If you’ve opened more than 200 packs today, press 2. If you’ve lost count… just stay on the line. We know. COUNSELOR Alright everyone, welcome back to our weekly meeting. Let’s start with introductions. Who wants to share? GREG (nervous, shaky) Hi… my name is Greg… and I opened 600 packs at 3 AM. GROUP Hi Greg. COUNSELOR Thank you for sharing, Greg. What triggered it? GREG I saw someone on Twitter pull a gold‑foil legendary and… I don’t know… something inside me snapped. COUNSELOR (snaps around) HEY— HEY! Who just opened a pack? We talked about this. This is a *safe space*. LINDA (guilty) Sorry… it was a Chaos Legion pack. It doesn’t count. GROUP (collective gasp) YES IT DOES. COUNSELOR Linda, we’ve been over this. All packs count. Even the cheap ones. COUNSELOR Okay, seriously— WHO IS DOING THAT? DAVE (panicking) IT’S NOT ME IT’S MY FINGERS THEY HAVE MUSCLE MEMORY COUNSELOR Everyone, deep breaths. Remember You are more than your RNG. You are more than your Glint balance. You are more than the three Pelacor Mercenaries you pulled in a row. COUNSELOR Splinterlands Pack Opening Hotline, how can we help? CALLER (frantic whisper) I just opened a pack in the bathroom at work. COUNSELOR Sir… you’ve come to the right place. ANNOUNCER (dramatic) If you or someone you love has opened packs in the last 24 hours… You are not alone. Help is available. Hope is real. And remember— you can always open more packs later. Responsibly. Maybe. COUNSELOR (screaming) WHO DID THAT?!