I HAVE BEEN SINGING WHAT?! You ever learn the real lyrics to a song twenty-five years later… and realize— you’ve been publicly embarrassing yourself since 1997? Cool. Cool cool cool. Radio fuzzy, windows down, I made up words all over town. Didn’t know the line? No problem, friend— Just pick some vowels and confidently pretend. Singer goes— “Mmm-ba-da-rrr-yeahhh!” Me: EXACTLY. Felt every word. Understood absolutely nothing. Then the internet showed up and ruined my life— Apparently I’ve been singing A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONG THIS WHOLE TIME. I HAVE BEEN SINGING WHAT?! That’s not even close! I added a person, a sandwich, and possibly a goat! But I sang it LOUD, so technically I’m right. Been butchering this song since Friday night— 1999! Then you get older and hear that innocent song again— Wait. Hold up. THAT’S what this is about?! We danced to this at school! There were BALLOONS! There was fruit punch! Mrs. Thompson was doing the Macarena three feet away! DID NO ADULT LISTEN TO THE WORDS?! Some songs weren’t dirty— I just made them weird. Some songs were VERY dirty— and twelve-year-old me heard: “Friendship!” Adorable. Incorrect. Moving on. Now lyrics appear automatically on my phone. Oh, fantastic. Nothing like technology saying: “Here’s written confirmation you’ve been wrong since middle school.” Thanks, Apple. Very healing. I HAVE BEEN SINGING WHAT?! Twenty-seven years and nobody said STOP?! Wrong nouns! Wrong verbs! Made-up phrase! Still knew EXACTLY when to yell “HEY!” You can give me the real words, but here’s the deal— My version has nostalgia. YOURS JUST HAS FACTS. Wait… THAT song isn’t about dancing either? … TURN THE RADIO OFF.
