(Intro) (Dice rolling, phone ringing, bass loading) Roll for charisma! Roll for stupidity! She called me eleven times— Girl, that’s not an ability! CRITICAL HIT! (Verse 1) Boots on the floor, got the dice in my hand, Dungeon Master talking like he runs the whole land. She said, “Come over,” I said, “What’s the quest?” She walked through the door—damn, look at that chest! Play you like chess, got you losing your queen, I’m a level-ten menace with a terrible screen. Is this bad or good? Man, I don’t even know, She said her boyfriend’s mad—well, that’s part of the show. Phone keeps buzzing, got it ringing all night, “Hey, you awake?” Girl, the answer is might. Calling over and over like a boss-fight phase, I need a long rest after dealing with your ways! (Pre-Chorus) She said, “My boyfriend thinks you hate his guts!” I said, “I don’t know him, why we beefing so much?” She said, “Come through, I’ve got something to say.” I rolled a natural twenty and got dragged into the play! (Chorus) ROLL THE DICE, LET THE BASS GO BOOM! She’s texting me while he’s pacing the room! Chess on the table, got drama in the chat, She picked my character—now explain all that! CRITICAL HIT! CRITICAL HIT! Relationship damage, somebody quit! Dungeon and Dragons, chaos and sass, I’m fighting a dragon while she starts some class! IS THIS BAD OR GOOD? I don’t know, but the beat goes hard! She broke up with her boyfriend— Now I’m dodging both their calls! (Verse 2) She says her boyfriend’s got a problem with me, I’m just trying to game and eat something for free. Now he’s in my messages, typing in caps, Bro sent a paragraph—I sent back a map. “Meet me at the tavern!” That’s a terrible plan, He’s level one angry, I’m a questionable man. She says I’m a player, I say, “That’s not true.” I’ve got seventeen save files and none of them are you! (Ad-lib: “Charisma check!”) She keeps calling, I keep hitting decline, This whole love triangle needs a redesign. She wanted a romance, got a side quest instead, Now the Dungeon Master wants me permanently dead! (Pre-Chorus) She said, “My boyfriend thinks you hate his guts!” I said, “Please tell him I don’t have that kind of trust!” She said, “Come through, I’ve got something to say.” I rolled a natural one—now I’m running away! (Chorus) ROLL THE DICE, LET THE BASS GO BOOM! She’s texting me while he’s pacing the room! Chess on the table, got drama in the chat, She picked my character—now explain all that! CRITICAL HIT! CRITICAL HIT! Relationship damage, somebody quit! Dungeon and Dragons, chaos and sass, I’m fighting a dragon while she starts some class! IS THIS BAD OR GOOD? I don’t know, but the beat goes hard! She broke up with her boyfriend— Now I’m dodging both their calls! (Bridge) (Beat cuts; phone ringing over a dramatic choir.) One missed call… Two missed calls… Thirty-seven calls?! BRO, I’M PLAYING DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS! (Bass rises.) She wants a knight, he wants a fight, I want some peace and a snack tonight. No more triangles, no more schemes, I’m turning off my phone and returning to my games! (Outro) (Dice roll across the table.) Dungeon cleared? No. Relationship saved? No. Phone on silent? YES. Natural twenty! …Wait, she’s calling again. CRITICAL MISS! (Bass drops one last time.)
