A Redneck Looks at 40 Billy Bob Troy [Verse 1] I got a shotgun, a beer gut, a mullet gone gray, A Confederate lawn gnome and a court date Monday. My pickup truck's held together with duct tape and prayer, And there's something in the back that used to be a chair. I used to chase tail from the county line to town, Now I throw out my back when I pull my britches down. Got a camouflage recliner with a dip stain on the side, And a jar of mystery liquid that my wife says I should hide. [Chorus] I'm a redneck looking at forty, My liver's on strike and my hair's looking sporty. I got one good tooth and a suspicious rash, Three unpaid tickets and no emergency cash. I used to raise hell till the break of day, Now I raise my damn blood pressure mowing hay. I thought I'd be a legend, some badass of the South— Now I need both hands just to wipe my own ass! [Verse 2] I bought a bass boat with a loan I couldn't pay, It's been sitting in the driveway since the Fourth of July. My fishing license expired back in twenty-oh-three, But I still tell the neighbors I'm a professional on TV. I got a pit bull named Whiskey who ain't housebroken yet, A cousin in the trailer who's been dodging child support debt. My wife says I'm a catch, but she says it with a sigh, Like a raccoon in the kitchen that she's scared to make eye contact with. [Chorus] I'm a redneck looking at forty, My liver's on strike and my hair's looking sporty. I got one good tooth and a suspicious rash, Three unpaid tickets and no emergency cash. I used to raise hell till the break of day, Now I raise my damn blood pressure mowing hay. I thought I'd be a legend, some badass of the South— Now I need both hands just to wipe my own ass! [Verse 3] My high school sweetheart's a grandma at thirty-nine, And I'm still telling strangers that she almost was mine. I got a gym membership I use to hang my coat, And a diet book that's propping up the table by the boat. My doctor says my cholesterol is higher than my IQ, He says, "Lay off the bacon." I said, "What'd bacon ever do?" He says my blood pressure's high and my heart's about to quit, I said, "Doc, if I die, can you bury me with dip?" [Bridge] I used to drink a twelve-pack without breaking a sweat, Now I drink two light beers and I'm ready for bed. I used to think I was immortal, a hell-raising machine, Now I make that old-man noise every time I stand up from the screen. My knees sound like bubble wrap, my back sounds like a gun, I pulled a hamstring sneezing while I sat there on the john. But don't you call me middle-aged, don't you call me past my prime— I'm still young enough to make the same dumb choices every time! [Verse 4] I got a rebel flag blanket and a NASCAR tattoo, A rusty old chainsaw that I don't know how to use. I bought a bottle of cologne called "Bubba's Midnight Heat," Now the only thing I'm attracting is the dog when I eat. I got a hunting camo onesie and a shirt that says "I'm the Man," But my wife assembles furniture 'cause I can't read the damn plans. I brag about my toughness, how I fear no living thing, Then I saw a spider in the shower and I screamed like Taylor Swift. [Final Chorus] I'm a redneck looking at forty, My body's falling apart but my stories are sporty. Got a belly like a keg and a head like a pear, And a bald spot big enough to land a lawn chair. I ain't rich, I ain't famous, ain't got much to show, But I've got twelve kinds of barbecue sauce in a row. I thought I'd be a legend, a king of the South— Now I grunt when I sneeze and I fart when I cough! [Outro — spoken] Forty years old. Still got it, baby. Well… most of it. Anybody seen my reading glasses? They're on my head? Well, shit. Pass me a beer. And somebody call my damn chiropractor.
