[INTRO — SPOKEN, warmly theatrical] Well, hello there. Yes, this is Doors and Windows. No, ma'am, I don't work in Plumbing. No, sir, I can't order you a bathtub. ...Although— If it fits through a door, I suppose we should talk. [VERSE 1 — MALE VOCAL, POLISHED SHOW-TUNE DELIVERY] I've been here since the old sign hung, Before the orange check was bright, Back when every window came With a little more wood and twice the weight. I've measured every jamb and frame, I've learned which hinges squeak, I've watched three generations come And ask the things I answered last week. I've got my tape measure in my pocket, Pencil behind my ear, And if you've got a question about a door, Well, I've probably heard it here. [CHORUS — FULL ORCHESTRA] If it fits through a door, Then somehow it belongs to me! A window, a washer, a refrigerator— Whatever it may be! If it rolls across the floor, If it needs to clear the frame, If you're wondering if it'll fit inside, You'd better call my name! I've seen it all before, And I'll probably see some more— At GLOW, that's how we know: IF IT FITS THROUGH A DOOR! [VERSE 2] Now doors I understand completely, Windows too, of course. Left-hand swing, right-hand swing, Measure twice before the force. But somewhere along the years, Somebody changed the plan. They brought me an electric range And said, [CHARACTER — DRYLY] “Can you give me a hand?” [ENSEMBLE — LIGHT, CHEERFUL] He can give you a hand! [MALE VOCAL] I said, “Well, I can tell you If the opening is wide enough.” Then came a washer and a dryer And things got rather rough. “Will the dryer fit?” “Yes.” “Will the washer fit?” “Yes.” “Which power cord do I need?” [PAUSE] “Well... Let's not get ahead of ourselves.” [SMALL ORCHESTRAL HIT] [CHORUS] If it fits through a door, Then somehow it belongs to me! A range, a dryer, a freezer— Whatever GLOW thinks it should be! If it rolls across the floor, And you've measured every side, If the question starts with “Will it fit?” I'll be standing right beside— I've seen it all before, And I'll probably see some more— At GLOW, that's how we know: IF IT FITS THROUGH A DOOR! [BRIDGE — ORCHESTRA SOFTENS, NOSTALGIC] I've watched the store grow taller, I've watched the aisles rearrange, I've watched the product numbers change And every brand exchange. I've taught young clerks the difference Between a slab and a frame. They've all gone on to bigger things... [PAUSE] I'm still here. [MALE VOCAL — PROUDLY] Still measuring. Still selling. Still answering the same— [ENSEMBLE — BUILDING] Question! [MALE VOCAL] “Will it fit?” [ENSEMBLE] Will it fit? [MALE VOCAL] “What's the rough opening?” [ENSEMBLE] What's the rough opening? [MALE VOCAL] “Which way does the door swing?” [ENSEMBLE] Which way does the door swing? [MALE VOCAL] “And can you tell me what cord—” [MALE VOCAL — CUTTING THEM OFF] THAT'S ELECTRICAL! [ORCHESTRA — BIG COMEDIC HIT] [VERSE 3 — FASTER, THEATRICAL] I've measured narrow hallways, I've measured basement stairs, I've helped a man discover His refrigerator simply wasn't going there. I've seen a twenty-minute purchase Turn into an hour-long affair: “Sir, the refrigerator is six feet tall.” “But will it fit?” “Through the doorway?” “Yes.” [PAUSE] “That's what I've been asking you.” [ENSEMBLE — LAUGHING, MUSICAL] That's what he's been asking you! [MALE VOCAL] So bring me your dimensions, Bring me your tape, Bring me the specifications Before you make a mistake. Because when somebody asks me, [DRAMATIC PAUSE] “Do you think it'll fit?” I smile like I've been waiting For that question all my life. [FINAL CHORUS — HUGE BROADWAY FINISH] If it fits through a door, Then somehow it belongs to me! From windows up to washers, That's the way it's gonna be! If it rolls across the floor, If it needs a little room, If it has to clear a doorway— [ENSEMBLE] CALL HIM! [MALE VOCAL] I'll be here. [ENSEMBLE] CALL HIM! [MALE VOCAL] I've got the tape. [ENSEMBLE] CALL HIM! [MALE VOCAL] I've got the years. [ENSEMBLE] CALL HIM! [MALE VOCAL] I've got the answer! [ENSEMBLE] WHAT IS IT?! [MALE VOCAL — GRAND, TRIUMPHANT] Measure the opening! Check the frame! Make sure the corners aren't to blame! If you've got a question, I'll tell you what's in store— Because after all these years... [ORCHESTRA BUILDS] If it fits through a door... [ENSEMBLE] IF IT FITS THROUGH A DOOR! [MALE VOCAL] That's what we're here for! [ENSEMBLE] IF IT FITS THROUGH A DOOR! [MALE VOCAL] That's what GLOW is for! [FINAL ORCHESTRAL HIT] [MALE VOCAL — SPOKEN, COMPLETELY CALM] Now... Who's buying the refrigerator?
