I was nine years old Sitting in a hard church pew Feet dangling off the floor Hearing grown folks say people like me burn forever Nine. Didn’t even know what sex was yet But somehow y’all already decided God hated me I remember going home that night Standing in the bathroom mirror Punching my chest Praying, “God please don’t let me grow up gay” That’s how deep religion can cut Before a child even understands their own heart See, y’all don’t talk about that part You don’t talk about the little boy Lowering his voice so his daddy won’t call him soft You don’t talk about the teenager Dating girls just to survive school hallways You don’t talk about the nights people beg God to kill them Before their family finds out who they are Y’all just scream “sin” Like that word ain’t buried on top of graves already I knew a boy named Jordan Football player Funny as hell Everybody loved him Until somebody found messages in his phone Next week? Nobody sat by him at lunch His own mama stopped hugging him His pastor told him “God can still fix you” Fix? Like he was a broken car Like he was some disease Like love made him dirty Jordan hung himself three months later And the same church that broke him Had the nerve to sing “Amazing Grace” at his funeral Tell me that ain’t evil Tell me what kind of gospel Makes a child hate breathing And I’m tired I’m so damn tired Of people acting holy while destroying people quietly Deacon sleeping with half the choir Pastor stealing money Married men on apps at midnight Politicians cheating on their wives Racist people quoting scripture While calling Black kids thugs But somehow The two men holding hands Are the biggest problem in America? Man shut the hell up You mean to tell me God watched me cry myself to sleep for years Watched me starve myself Watched me cut pieces of myself off Watched me beg to be different Just because He wanted to punish me? Nah I don’t believe that anymore Cause if God is love Real love Then why would He create somebody Just to hate them for existing? That don’t even make sense I think people got addicted to feeling superior I think religion became a weapon I think some of y’all would rather protect tradition Than protect actual human beings And that’s the truth nobody says out loud See I tried being straight Lord knows I tried Dated women Forced kisses Lied through my teeth Sat in church clapping while dying inside And every time somebody preached about gay people Everybody looked around like we were monsters Meanwhile half the room was addicted to porn Cheating Abusing people Being racist Being cruel Being hateful But hate never gets preached about Like love does Ain’t that crazy? Nobody ever screamed at greedy people the way they scream at gay kids Nobody ever threw their daughter out for lying Nobody ever disowned their son for gossiping But let that child say “Mom… I think I like boys” Suddenly Christianity becomes cruelty And some of y’all swear it’s “out of love” Love? Ain’t nothing loving about making somebody feel disgusting for being honest Ain’t nothing loving about praying over somebody like they possessed Ain’t nothing loving about watching people self-destruct while you quote Bible verses at them You know what I think? I think God was there Every single time I cried Not judging me Not condemning me But grieving the fact His children were using His name to destroy each other Cause people love saying “God don’t make mistakes” Until somebody gay is born Then suddenly y’all think the Creator messed up Nah Maybe what’s broken Was never us Maybe what’s broken Is a world that taught people to hate difference More than hate cruelty And I wish people understood How many LGBTQ people still love God Even after being humiliated in His house That’s real pain Still praying to a God After His followers made you hate yourself That takes strength So no I don’t think God hated me I think people did I think fear did I think ignorance did I think generations of shame did But God? I think God saw a scared little kid Trying their best to survive Trying their best to feel worthy of love And I think Heaven cried Every time that child believed they weren’t worthy at all So if you listening to this right now And you been hiding who you are Because religion made you afraid Hear me clearly— You do not deserve shame You do not deserve abandonment You do not deserve violence You do not deserve to hate yourself And anybody who made you feel that way Needs to answer for that pain someday Because maybe the real sin Was never who you loved Maybe the real sin Was teaching people to hate themselves For being human.
