There’s a thought. Don’t like that thought. Why’s that thought here? I’m making tea. Normal activity. Kettle on. Cup ready. Excellent. Why did I just think about buying a canoe? I don’t need a canoe. Thought number one: What if I wave at a stranger? Thought number two: What if I don’t? Thought number three: What if they were waving at someone behind me? Oh. Now we’re thinking. Put the milk in. Where’s the milk? Fridge door open. Why am I here? Phone in hand. Phone unlocked. Forgot the thing I came to do. Look at the clock. What’s the time? Check the clock. Still the same time. Excellent. Intrusive thoughts. Very intrusive. Intrusive thoughts. Bit unnecessary. Should I reorganise the kitchen drawer? Probably not. Should I alphabetise the spices? Absolutely not. Why is oregano looking at me? It isn’t. I know that. Mostly. Thought says: Send an email. Brain says: No. Thought says: Delete the email. Brain says: It hasn’t been written. Thought says: Exactly. That was unsettling. Intrusive thoughts! Not invited! Intrusive thoughts! Still arrived! Intrusive thoughts! Very committed! Intrusive thoughts! Who let them in? What if pigeons know my name? What if pigeons have meetings? What if pigeons have minutes? What if someone takes the minutes? Who chairs the meeting? Probably Derek. Why did I say Derek? I don’t know Derek. Sorry, Derek. Bought a sandwich. Forgot the sandwich. Found the sandwich. It was in my hand. This is becoming administratively difficult. Keys in pocket. Wallet in pocket. Phone in pocket. Where are my keys? Pocket. Brilliant. One at a time! Intrusive thoughts! Please form a line! Intrusive thoughts! Take a number! Intrusive thoughts! There’s no number! What if I became a lighthouse keeper? No. What if I bought a very small horse? No. What if the horse was disappointed in me? That’s worse. Thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking. Forgot what I was thinking. Started thinking about forgetting. Forgot that. Remembered forgetting. Forgot remembering. Remembered the canoe. I still don’t need a canoe. Do I? Canoe. Don’t. Canoe. Stop. Canoe. I said— [all instruments suddenly drop] …canoe. Why is there a horse in the kitchen? That’s probably another department.
