𝚃𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚍𝚊𝚢 𝙽𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝙳𝚊𝚝𝚎

[Intro – Spoken Female, Sassy Southern Attitude] “Well, y’all…” “I had a date Thursday night.” “Wasn’t planned. Wasn’t invited.” “His name?” “Arthur.” “Arthur ITIS!” “And that sorry son of a gun took me straight to the EMERGENCY ROOM!” [Band Kicks In – Bouncy Country-Blues Groove] [Verse 1] Thursday evening, I was mindin’ my own, Had my feet kicked up, just relaxing at home. Wasn’t looking for love, wasn’t looking for pain, But here comes Arthur, showing up again! He grabbed my knees, then he grabbed my back, Had my whole dang body sounding like a snack! Snap, crackle, pop, from my head to my feet, I said, “Arthur, you fool, get your hands off me!” [Pre-Chorus] He didn’t bring flowers, He didn’t bring wine, Just a whole lotta hurting And a miserable time! I said, “Arthur, baby, this ain’t right!” He said, “Surprise, girl! We got plans tonight!” [Chorus – Big, Catchy, Sassy] Arthur took me on a date Thursday night! Had me hurting so bad, I couldn’t sit right! No fancy restaurant, no dancing for two, Just the emergency room and a whole lotta OOH! Oh, Arthur! Arthur! Leave me alone! Quit treating my body like it’s your second home! No candlelight dinner, no romantic tune, Just me and old Arthur in the emergency room! [Verse 2] I wasn’t dressed up, didn’t curl my hair, Didn’t plan on going ANYWHERE! But Arthur got jealous, wanted all my attention, Had every joint screaming for intervention! I said, “Boy, you’re clingy, and you’re getting on my nerves!” He said, “Honey, you ain’t seen nothing, I’ve got curves!” I said, “If that’s romance, you can keep that mess!” ’Cause this is one date I did NOT request! [Pre-Chorus] He didn’t buy dinner, Didn’t pick up the tab, Just brought me more trouble Than a woman should have! He said, “Let’s go somewhere with lights tonight!” I said, “Arthur, those are HOSPITAL LIGHTS!” [Chorus] Arthur took me on a date Thursday night! Had me hurting so bad, I couldn’t sit right! No fancy restaurant, no dancing for two, Just the emergency room and a whole lotta OOH! Oh, Arthur! Arthur! Leave me alone! Quit treating my body like it’s your second home! No candlelight dinner, no romantic tune, Just me and old Arthur in the emergency room! [Bridge – Music Stops, Spoken Comedy] [Nurse Voice] “Ma’am, what brings you in tonight?” [Female] “A MAN!” [Nurse Voice] “Did he hurt you?” [Female] “From my neck to my toes!” [Nurse Voice] “What’s his name?” [Female] “ARTHUR!” [Nurse Voice] “Arthur who?” [Female] “ARTHUR ITIS!” [Brief Silence] [Female] “And I’d like to file a complaint!” [Drum Rimshot – Band Bursts Back In] [Verse 3 – Playful, Rhythmic] Now Arthur’s the kind that won’t take a hint, He’ll twist up your plans and leave you bent! He ain’t got money, he ain’t got class, And every time he visits, he’s a pain in my… [Music Stops] “BACK!” [Band Hits – Laughter] I tried to dump him, tried to say goodbye, But he keeps creeping back, and I don’t know why! He’s the only man I know, I’ll tell you what’s true, Who can ruin date night without buying me food! [Final Chorus – Full Band, Big Singalong] ARTHUR TOOK ME ON A DATE THURSDAY NIGHT! Not a single dang thing about it went right! No moonlight kisses, no lover’s embrace, Just a hospital wristband and pain on my face! Oh, Arthur! Arthur! You troublesome fool! You never learned manners, you never played cool! You can keep your romance, your aches, and your gloom, I DON’T WANT ANOTHER DATE IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM! [Outro – Spoken, Music Fading] “Now listen here, Arthur…” “I don’t wanna see you Friday.” “I don’t wanna hear from you Saturday.” “And Sunday?” “Don’t even THINK about it!” [Pause] “And another thing…” “Next Thursday, take somebody ELSE out!” [Sound Effect – LOUD JOINT POP] “Oh, LORD!” “He’s STILL HERE!” [Big Musical Sting] [End] ***Lyrics by: touché*** ©️2026