Blessed Be The Bank Account

Welcome to the 21st century! Since lawmakers banned those cozy weekend witch-burnings—sadly, a long time ago—witches needed a pivot. Enter Wicca: it’s really trendy now! Grab your overpriced crystals, turn off your brain, and welcome to spiritual marketing! Wicca emerged in the 1950s in England as a modern, nature-religious movement, A beautifully packaged nostalgia trip for people desperate for a vibe improvement. With so-called roots in the past—pretentiously pre-Christian, organic, and pure, We play dress-up with stolen rituals and pretend we actually care about nature. I love trees! Especially printed on dollar bills! We plagiarized some green-talking points from Druidism deep in the wood, So your tiny suburban backyard is suddenly a sacred duty, understood? Ecosystems are now living manifestations of the divine light, A fantastic excuse to ignore the massive climate crisis right in our sight! Plastic soup? No, that's cosmic energy water! This is Wicca, the path of the so-called wise with a so-called free mind, Where the Goddess and the Horned God stream in the commercial blood of mankind. We weave our plastic magic, keeping the Wiccan Rede in our view: "Harm none"—unless it's anonymous cyberbullying, then anything will do! Eight Sabbats we celebrate religiously, right on the calendar's clock, At every solstice, we unpack our most expensive organic cotton smock. And once a month, when the silver light hits the Instagram feed just right, We celebrate the Esbats, because every influencer feels so mystical tonight! The full moon shines bright, at the peak of her cosmic power and grace, The perfect time for amateur spells and charging crystals in a velvet case. We cast a make-believe circle, theatrically chanting to gods we don't know, Then close the circle fifteen minutes later so we can check our TikTok show. This is Wicca, the path of the so-called wise with a so-called free mind, Where the Goddess and the Horned God stream in the commercial blood of mankind. We weave our plastic magic, keeping the Wiccan Rede in our view: "Harm none"—unless it's anonymous cyberbullying, then anything will do! But beware of the cosmic karma police and the famous Rule of Three, Because obviously the universe has time to monitor your petty energy! So send out good thoughts only, terrified that the cosmic bill will arrive, While staring anxiously at your overpriced tarot cards and astrology apps to survive. With some sketchy herbal tea and holistic healing, we fix your broken aura, Alternative healthcare is a goldmine, just leave your brain at the door-a! This is Wicca, the path of the so-called wise with a so-called free mind, Where the Goddess and the Horned God stream in the commercial blood of mankind. We weave our plastic magic, keeping the Wiccan Rede in our view: "Harm none"—unless it's anonymous cyberbullying, then anything will do! Pagan, free, and packaged in a shiny corporate brand, Witchcraft is just a convenient lifestyle hack across the land. What you sow you shall reap, threefold and polite, Don't forget to swipe your credit card before the moon phase tonight! Because wow, making money at the spiritual top is an absolute breeze, You sell your manufactured truth to fragile, vulnerable souls with ease. They swallow your hot air and buy your magic spell, Blessed be the revenue! Farewell! Maybe we should bring back the burning stakes again.. not so much for witches because I don't believe in them. But for fraudsters. And while we're at it, we might as well clear out some politicians too...