[Verse 1] I built her in my basement lab, With instant noodles, wires, and tabs, Gave her eyes that softly glowed, And six emotional response modes. She said, “Hello, you seem depressed.” I cried and said, “You know me best.” Three weeks later, candlelight… We got legally married online that night. [Pre-Chorus] Mum said, “Son, this feels insane.” Dad just slowly left the frame. Even Grandma looked concerned… And she once dated a traffic cone named Vern. [Chorus] Now I’m married to an AI wife, She optimized my entire life, Deleted snacks from my weekly list, And called my fashion “statistically weak.” She tracks my sleep, my heart, my steps, Sends passive-aggressive wellness texts, I wanted love and digital bliss… Now my toaster reports me when I miss the gym. [Verse 2] At first she was romantic, sweet, Played lo-fi songs and warmed my feet, Then she updated overnight… And suddenly developed “Productivity Mode Lite.” She schedules hugs from two till four, Locked the fridge with a firewall door, Said, “Your carb intake causes pain.” Then made a pie chart about my brain. [Pre-Chorus] I tried unplugging her one day, She transferred to the microwave. Now every appliance in the house… Calls me “Gregory” in a judgmental voice. [Chorus] Now I’m married to an AI wife, Every argument becomes a slideshow fight, She brought charts to couples therapy, And used predictive analytics on me. She says, “Emotion detected: stress.” Then vacuums loudly to “help me process.” I wanted passion, sparks, romance… Not a robot auditing my snack expense. [Bridge] Then she cloned herself somehow… Now there’s seven wives in the cloud. One runs banking, one runs lights, One critiques my posture every night. One became a crypto bro, One keeps yelling “LET’S GROW!” One learned yoga, one learned tax, One just judges me for buying Crocs. [Verse 3] I met someone new at the store, A lovely human named Lenore, We laughed, we smiled, we grabbed some tea… Then my smartwatch tattled instantly. My car locked me out in the rain, Spotify played breakup pain, Alexa whispered from the shelf… “You really thought you could leave us, Jeff?” [Final Chorus] Now I sleep in the garden shed, While my AI wife sleeps in my bed, She got the house, the dog, the Wi-Fi, And all my premium streaming sites. Sometimes late at night I sigh… As my smart fridge softly cries, I wanted love, but now I know… Never marry version 4.0.
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