[FAKE NEWS ANCHOR INTRO — serious tone, static] Multiple reports of monkeys on the loose in St. Louis— Officials say the animals are real, The photos are not. [BEAT DROP — half-spoken, hype] Just mindin’ my own business— Funky MONKEYs, yeah (Funky MONKEYs) On my funky STREET (funky STREET) Funky MONKEYs, yeah (Funky MONKEYs) Snatchin’ my funky phone (my phone) [VERSE 1 — fast, frantic] They’re climbin’ in your windows, snatchin’ your people up— Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband, ’cause these funky monkeys— everybody out here! [VERSE 2 — faster, punchlines] These Funk Monkeys escaped, nobody knows how, Swingin’ through the city like “this ours now.” Animal control stressin’, zoo on the phone, Funky Monkeys like “nah, we grown—leave us alone.” Funky Monkeys on a fence, Funky Monkey stealin’ fries, Whole damn internet fooled by AI. Facebook say “caught,” yeah that’s a lie, That Funky Monkey got six fingers and laser eyes. [CHORUS — chant, stacked vocals, call/response] So hide yo’ snacks (hide ’em), hide yo’ fruit (hide ’em), hide yo’ bananas (hide ’em), These Funky Monkeys wildin’ out, dodgin’ all the cameras. Funky Monkeys everywhere (everywhere), yeah Funky Monkeys everywhere (everywhere), Fake news got Bigfoot monkeys in underwear! [VERSE 3 — aggressive funny, crowd noise pops] Funky Monkeys climbin’ in your windows, Funky Monkeys snatchin’ your people up— Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your chips, hide your lean, ’cause Funky Monkeys— everybody out here! Lady on the news like “I fear for my life,” Funky Monkey stared me down like he owed me child support— psych! [EYEWITNESS CLIP — breathless, overlapping edits] “It screamed at my funky dog… stole my funky Cheetos.” [OUTRO — sirens, scratches, unbroken fast rap] City say “don’t approach ’em— funky monkeys!” (nah, no funky shit) I ain’t fightin’ no Funky Monkey with nothin’ funky to lose. Hide your funk snacks. Lock your funky doors. Funky Monkeys— funky everywhere.
