[Brief Victorian operetta introduction] [PROFESSOR – comic baritone] I am the very model of a you-vee-EYE-tis Professor, Of inflammatory maladies I'm something of an assessor, From anterior to posterior, intermediate as well, I'll peer into your vitreous and rapidly foretell If cells are merely occasional or positively snowing, If vessels should be leaking where they really shouldn't be going, If macular oh-deem-ah has your central vision hazy, Or whether all those floaters mean your vitreous is crazy! [COMPANY] His vitreous is crazy! His vitreous is crazy! His vitreous is very, very possibly quite crazy! [PROFESSOR] On Wednesday every morning in our inflammatory Centre, The patients start arriving and they steadily all enter, With three more doctors, nurses and a Fellow there beside us— We face another morning full of you-vee-EYE-tis! [Orchestral flourish] The ST1 is learning which end of the scope to peer through, The ST3 knows the guidelines and precisely what we should do, The post-CCT Fellow has an air of calm authority— Which lasts until I question their diagnostic certainty! The nurses keep us moving with remarkable efficiency, The healthcare assistants show OCT proficiency, They scan the swollen macula when oh-deem-ah is suspected, Then send it up to Heidelberg— [Pause] Assuming it's connected. [COMPANY] Assuming it's connected! A Heidelberg that's actually connected—unexpected! [PROFESSOR] I click upon the patient and the screen begins to stutter, I click upon the OCT and quietly start to mutter, I know the scan was there because I saw the thing on Monday— [COMPUTER] SYSTEM UNAVAILABLE. [PROFESSOR] Of course. It must be Wednesday. [Orchestral flourish] There's sarcoid and there's Behçet's and there's HLA-B27, There's birdshot and there's VKH to keep us all in heaven, There's idiopathic inflammation nobody can name, Where every investigation's normal— [PATIENT] So what's causing it? [PROFESSOR] Exactly. There's prednisolone at forty and prednisolone at twenty, There's prednisolone at ten— [PATIENT] I've had enough already! [PROFESSOR] There's methotrexate, mycophenolate and biologic therapy, And everybody asks me— [PATIENT] When can I stop the steroids, please? [PROFESSOR] Eventually. [COMPANY] Eventually! The standard NHS response is "eventually"! [PROFESSOR] Our Immunosuppression Nurse Practitioner knows each blood result, And spots the little abnormalities the rest of us consult, He checks the FBC and LFT and reenal function too, Then calmly turns towards me— [NURSE PRACTITIONER] Professor... Have you actually looked at these? [PROFESSOR] I was about to. [COMPANY] He was about to! The Professor was unquestionably just about to! [Music accelerates] [PROFESSOR] One patient says the drops are wrong, another cannot see, One brings a folder labelled "Things I Found on Google About Me", One knows that all their symptoms started after eating cheese, And one has brought a cousin who's diagnosed a rare disease! One says prednisolone has made them eat continuously, One hasn't slept since Tuesday and is talking rather speedily, One says their face is rounder and their trousers getting tighter— [PATIENT] But Professor, can you promise me My eyesight will get brighter? [Music softens] [PROFESSOR] I cannot make a promise That the future will be clear, But we'll treat the inflammation And we'll keep a careful eye here. We'll measure every change, And when the illness makes you frightened, We'll do our very utmost To preserve the world you've sighted. [Brief orchestral pause] [PROFESSOR] But meanwhile— [Tempo suddenly accelerates] I've seventeen more patients and it's only half past ten, The ST1 needs supervising, someone's lost the notes again, The ST3 wants an opinion and the Fellow's at the door, While the waiting room has somehow just acquired another four! The OCT is flashing and the printer isn't printing, The computer's frozen solid and the clinic clock is hinting That lunch is merely theoretical, a rumour and a myth— [COMPANY] Professor! There's another patient! [PROFESSOR] That doesn't rhyme with "myth"! [COMPANY] Neither does the Heidelberg! [PROFESSOR] Touché. [Final acceleration] So if your eye is painful or your vision's getting mistier, If cells are dancing merrily throughout your anterior chamber, If your macula is swollen or your vitreous rather murky, We'll investigate methodically— [COMPANY] Though Wednesday may be quirky! [PROFESSOR] With nurses, doctors, Fellow and our healthcare team beside us, We'll battle every manifestation of you-vee-EYE-tis! Though computers crash and clinics run increasingly behind us, We'll still be here on Wednesday— [COMPANY] For you-vee-EYE-tis! [PROFESSOR] And I remain the very model Of a you-vee-EYE-tis Professor! [COMPANY] A very model Professor! [PROFESSOR] Next patient! [Huge operetta cadence]
